the pear workshop

new logo

2012-02-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm designing a new logo (above) and defining a new era for my work.

this one, my website, is going to go on my car.

I am learning how to be a licensing artist! it feels huge and daunting and ever so wonderful. How do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time. It's absolutely my nature to try to eat the whole elephant in one bite and boy do I get sick. I believe in doing things even when you have no idea how, in fact I thrive on it. I'm in one of those phases where I'm tripping over myself with ideas and aspirations. Right now I'm redefining my artistic identity, teaching journaling workshops, studying pattern design, painting drawing doodling, running a household by myself, planning a demo for Opus Framing and Art Supply (so exciting) the list goes on...... and on......

a few of my surface pattern designs

2012-02-09T08:55:00.000-08:00

I'm loving Rachael Taylor's Business of surface Pattern design

Daydreams stationary mockup

green leaves oven mitt mockup

Ambrosia orchard pattern mockup

Drive, Drive, Drive and pattern making bliss

2012-01-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

I did cry as I drove away from my little bug but it's been 2 weeks now with #momcar Ford Freestyle and so far so good. 17 year old Chloe was so happy to get behind the wheel right away and DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE. It's a very solid, front wheel drive, full size crossover and our weather has been oh so wintery. There are fender benders and accidents all over the place but our big wagon just cruises on by. Grocery shopping and fetching giant water-cooler bottles has been a breeze.
I'm redesigning my logo and hope to have it printed and pasted on the back window of my new ride all ready for spring. Speaking of redesigning..... I'm thrilled to be starting module 2 of the art and business of pattern design
put on by these two amazing creative entrepreneurs:
http://dowhatyouloveforlife.com/ http://rachaeltaylordesigns.blogspot.com/

I feel so fortunate to be soaking up loads of creative energy from all my new 'friends' on Flickr and Pinterest who are taking the course. This new world of studying through social media is incredibly inspiring. 5 short years ago I was in a severe life threatening depression. After stumbling across SuziBlu on Youtube and connecting with Kelly Rae Roberts on Facebook I haven't looked back. I took 3 of Suzi's workshops and then 'Flying Lessons' from Kelly Rae. My experiences with on-line studies has not only taught me artistic things it has literally and dramatically saved my life. With the help of Medical care, connecting with a wonderful community in social media and ART I am a happy and functioning mom and full-time artist.
Monday launches Module 2 in The Art and Biz of Pattern design. I have, again, found the most amazing online supportive community and I am learning in warp speed!!! It's so exciting! I have big goals right now that I'll be sharing as I go. here are a few of my new creations

my hand drawn paisley pattern on repeat with color. Hopefully destined for fabric, paper, etc.

detail of my hand drawn doodle paisley pattern

layered bursts pattern

simple doodle lines over firey red

tangerine tango is the pantone color of the year! I honored it by adding some springy doodle flowers and made it a repeat

travels through the bizarre world of car sales

2012-01-15T11:04:00.000-08:00

I've been driving my mid-life crisis car for a few years, a VW beetle that I bought from a wonderful friend- easy peasy. It's not fancy but it's mine and I love it..... it has heated seats and when I get in on a frigid day it wraps me up in a big warm hug. I spend, what feels like half my life in that little buddy. Driving to drum lessons, youth group, school, pizza hut (Mitch's job) and Jugo Juice (Chloe's job) etc. This last year the bug has been our only vehicle and it is not so convenient for this life of hauling kids, groceries, large canvases and a myriad of other jobs we've stretched into it. It's just not working so I'm going back to a mom mobile of some sort. Yesterday I hit the bizarre car dealership circuit. A study in culture I would have preferred not to have.

First was Kelowna Hyundai where a nice older gentleman showed me couple of minivans. He brought his manager over to meet me and I almost lost my breakfast, the guy had the most disgusting, contagious eye infection. He should have been sitting in the emergency room with an IV drip of brood spectrum antibiotics, instead he was micro managing his employees and shaking hands with customers! (yes, I shook his hand and I'm having post traumatic stress right now)

Next, I moved on to Orchard Ford where Mike has been trying to find me the right car, I felt confident that I could get a reliable car there but nothing fit my very meager (artists) budget. Thanks for trying Mike. He showed me a loaded Ford Freestyle, I loved it but way out of my price range. I dreamed, for a moment that I was financially flush and could have any car I wanted. (mental note to look for Freestyles in a lower price point)

Then, I entered a den of tenebrous confusion and at the Dodge place, Kelowna Chrysler .... I very clearly asked for a used minivan under $8000. After being dragged around the showroom to meet 4 different managers, fill out strange questionnaires and generally feel manipulated they brought out a $13,000 PT cruiser. Seriously? Talk about misogyny and abuse of someone's time. an hour and a half later I dashed out while the used car salesman tried to drag me back in to see yet another manager. In all that time I DID NOT get shown any vehicles!

At that point the snow started to fly and the wind howl and my heated seats were the only saving grace. I pressed on to the other Ford Dealer and met Calvin, a very respectful experienced salesman who heard exactly what I was after and quickly got keys for me to drive the 3 minivans he had on the lot. There was a Pontiac Montana, a loaded but older Windstar (what a boat) and a Dodge Caravan. After driving those bad boys I was cold-to-the-bone and just wanted to sit in a hot bath. I couldn't think straight enough to decide which one made sense.

Me and the bug had one more very important task, Pick up Chloe from work and deliver her to a friends house. Then, I came home to a quiet house and had my scalding hot bath and put on about 10 layers to stay warm. Still no car but maybe I'm getting closer.

I drove away from the day feeling so grateful for my dear little silver bubble that faithfully transports me warmly wherever I need to go. I'll be sad to say goodbye.

The Cold and the new year

2012-01-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

• 2011, the year my 22 year relationship ceased in it's known state and became another, yet to be defined sort of union.
• 2012, the year that I learn to stand on my own.

I was afraid to turn off the T.V. last night, afraid to slip out from under the sheets to change into my Pajamas.... it all felt insurmountable. I'm alone. I watched Cold Play ring in the new year and just fell asleep in my clothes. Somewhere in the wee hours the blaring voice of a televangelist woke me up and I clicked the off button and sunk into an uncomfortable dream.
There's a type of coldness that can't be remedied with flame. It's dark and slow and breathless, it settles in deep for awhile. You can't wail it away. One day, early in the summer you look behind and realize that it's lifted and slinked off waiting for another season. Until that unplanned day you feel as though it's yours forever.... The Cold.

• 2011, the year I made a decision to be a real artist. The kind that makes money unapologetically, anyway she damn well pleases. The year I made the choice to be interdependent rather than dependent or independent. I met amazing people that accepted and validated me. I spent wonderful days growing and loving my beautiful children.

• 2012, The year I begin a new life being a real artist, being OK, being me.

2011-12-05T09:32:00.001-08:00

I've been working on a commission for a Christmas present this month. It's a mixed media painting of a grandmother who passed away in the spring.

2011-12-03T10:05:00.001-08:00

Somewhere along the way I started hating Christmas. Yes, hating. Ironically it might have been when I had my own kids. Christmas isn't designed for mothers, at least not 'highly sensitive to over stimulation' mothers. The version of this celebration that has been designed by Coke is, in my opinion, ugly and void of generosity. We have been fed an ideal that running around spending loads of money and hanging lights and gorging on carbs is generosity but I have to say, IT IS NOT.
I'm in a new place, on a new path, just past the fork in the road of life. A few years ago I was standing at the decision, the fork just ahead. I knew I was an unorthodox living in the wrong skin and trying desperately to be something I was not. What a fateful day to choose this lovely, serene way. To be recovering from so many wayward choices and to have life unfolding so mercifully and gracefully with out any effort at all. And yet, here we are back at this time of the orbit and the solstice where commercialism abounds in all it's fat horrible excessiveness. What to do?
I'm going to enjoy the one art show I've chosen to participate in. I'm going to buy my children a few nice presents that they've asked for. I'm going to bring steamed vegetables and a salad to Christmas dinner and I'm going to spend as much time in deep reflection of my souls purpose and where I fit into this space and time while I'm here.

I truly believe that we are celebrating a winter solstice, gratitude for the plenitude that mother Earth provides....... simplicity, perfection, lightness. air, water, fire, nourishment. Just that, only those, exactly what I need. Praise.

Creative Journal workshop | Opus Framing & Art Supplies

2011-11-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

Creative Journal workshop | Opus Framing & Art Supplies

2011-10-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

I find myself wishing to be all 'Ground Hog Day' for last weekend (the movie not February 2nd). I took part in a summit that was focused on Art, faith and justice. About 40 creatives were invited to spend Friday night and all day Saturday at the most magical location, Bo.ttega, it was put on by Tribehouse collective. I'm short on words for describing the experience, it's something that I'm feeling in my cells.... the absolute goodness of being surrounded by people who heard the creative call and are living it in every way. The incredible, live music swirled around that big open room and rained back down, connecting us with each other. It was/is collaboration in it's purest form..... to just sit in communion and be fully present. Maybe that's the art? Not a piece of work in it's finished form but the ever flowing, growing, shifting creative story being told when we sit together and really listen.
I listened with all of myself.
What does it mean to be part of a community when you've been solitarily struggling through life. I'm not good at connecting and collaborating, it usually gives me a migraine. Somehow things are different now and my yellow brick road is on a trajectory toward Loving and experiencing people. I have real friends, a team and I realize when I look back on the last couple of years that I'm not alone anymore. If you're a healthy soul this may sound like small potatoes but if you're like me; hyper-sensitive to the pulse of the Earth you may understand. I have lived my life trying so hard not to need anything from anyone but, in the words of Margaret Fuller, "Two persons love in one another the future good, which they aid one another to unfold."

2011-10-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'm watching a documentary on The Knowledge Network about a choir of seniors singing classic rock songs such as schizophrenia, Forever Young and one by the Doors. They travel to many countries, they practice and they form bonds with each other. In one scene they are performing at a prison for a bunch of tough looking, male inmates. The performance is dignified even though the performers are wearing bright blue ball caps in a somewhat undignified location. It's so moving to watch the looks on the viewers faces, how they respond to the different songs, fast or slow, smiles and tears. they grin happily at the end of the show and say, "that's the best show I've ever seen". It's a beautiful thing to see this group Love each other through death, aging, illness and the fun they're having.
"You don't get out of this life alive", Is what one fellow says. He has oxygen tubes in his nose. The next scene is him strutting a music video as lead singer on 'Stayin Alive' (still with the oxygen). The scene after that another member of the group drops dead of cancer.

So often I ask that adolescent question that goes something like this, "why?" But then I have a day like today where things just make sense. I taught my first class at The Kelowna Art Gallery which feels something of a milestone. I had a yummy espresso at GioBean (a must if you like really good italian style java.) And, best of all I did all those fun things with my Mom.

2011-10-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

A terrifying scenario: I'm shaking today so that when I draw, the lines are squiggly. When I stand up the room spins a bit, just until I adjust to the upright position. When I'm with other people I try to control the shaking and the shaking gets worse. I wonder what it must look like that I tightly cross my arms and attempt to hold my head from looking like Parkinson's. This is what it is to have Bi-Polar II. To be mostly out of control of your faculties. To wonder if you can hold a pen or paintbrush, to sense that your bladder might give way at a completely inopportune moment or to know that everyday you will make poor decisions that circularly lead back to shaking. The hardest part is looking backwards and seeing the clear and steady path toward mania and realize you were the last one to see it. And to be overtaken by an evil and wicked force that makes the world feel hostile, hellish. When you begin to screw up and lose control you wonder if you will have a friend or a mainstay ever again. It's so easy to forget that you've been here before and you got through it..... it's a tunnel shaped like a funnel and as you methodically stride in the direction of the narrow end it's impossible to see the goodness of creation. I suppose this is where the 'Bi' in it lives, that the up becomes the down. You can't really have one without the other you can only hope that with experience it isn't as black as the last time...... the 'jaws of the black dogs' will release a bit easier than the last time. To choose Love over Fear is what I wish for today, only that. When the fear is Goliath and behemoth and the Love is a tiny speck, I have to rely on the word of those around me and have blind faith that these thoughts are lies.

I'm choosing transparency and full disclosure, this time, so that the others.... my partners in mental illness can feel camaraderie. I know, we frighten you in our unpredictability, intensity, electricity. But, I can tell you that for the first time in 45 years I understand that I belong and I deserve to hold a space regardless of my craziness. Go ahead, be threatened but know that I am here to mirror something in you; your own craziness maybe or creativity, instability or need for compassion. I am here to feel deeply the details of the pulse of the Earth and then to bring them back up as art for you to see. It's my job and the penalty is that sometimes the layers of overwhelm overtake, my brain is a soup of swirling ideas and my body is not my own to navigate this place.

I do wish for someone who won't be afraid of me and who can see that these times are when the genius resides and bubbles over. Someone who will see, for me, when I can't, that I can blow the top of sanity for a short while in order to make something bigger than us all. For us all. Maybe, disillusions of grandeur or maybe a moment in time that is meant to be.
If I had the flu or cancer or a broken leg you'd bring me chicken but I don't. I have faulty wiring in my brain and therefore, I'm alone. My disease isn't recognized as a disability because sometimes I function very well (better than average) but then there are times like this when the tiniest of tasks is impossible. I haven't been able to hold a real job for over 20 years, I'm an artist, which has forced me into dependance. I'm OK really, just can't hold all this in anymore and so I blog.
All I need is that you take this in just a little and hug someone you love a little longer. It will ripple out.

2011-09-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

I had such a great time talking with the gang at Katalyst from Tribehouse last Monday night. Bursting with gratitude!

2011-09-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

sent to me by KendraArt and Borrowed from Bob Proctor!

It's Not Easy
Let's be honest. Ethics is not for wimps.
It's not easy being a good person.
It's not easy to be honest when it might be costly, to play fair when others cheat, or to keep
inconvenient promises.
It's not easy to stand up for our beliefs and still respect differing viewpoints.
It's not easy to control powerful impulses, to be accountable for our attitudes and actions, to tackle unpleasant tasks, or to sacrifice the now for later.
It's not easy to bear criticism and learn from it without getting angry, to take advice, or to admit error.
It's not easy to feel genuine remorse and apologize sincerely, or to accept apologies graciously and truly forgive.
It's not easy to stop feeling like a victim, to resist cynicism, or to make the best of every situation.
It's not easy to be consistently kind, to think of others first, to judge generously, or to give the benefit of the doubt.
It's not easy to be grateful or to give without concern for reward or gratitude.
It's not easy to fail and still keep trying, to learn from failure, to risk failing again, to start over, to lose with grace, or to be glad of another's success.
It's not easy to look at ourselves honestly and be accountable, to avoid excuses and rationalizations, or to resist temptations.
No, being a person of character isn't easy. That's why it's such a lofty goal and an admirable achievement.

OK, so if you've been following my drama the last couple of days you know I've been a big baby having a tantrum over getting scammed on my scooter purchase. I'm still not completely over being mad at myself and the seller but I am embarrassed at the way I've been dealing with it. It was a cool debate on facebook, I always love those status updates that bring on the debate! I think the only other big one I posted was about a black widow on my doorstep. Apparently, I'm all about drama and complicating my life...... a natural victim of sorts. A close mentor says, "go to small claims court". Not because I'll win but because I need to get over being a victim. I'm still getting an almost 50/50 on this one but totally open to opinions. The thing is, I wonder if I would just get myself all worked up..... keep it alive..... stay angry. What an anti-climax if I lost the case. My bike looks hot and it runs fine so far I just paid about $700 too much for it. My ego is bruised thinking about the nice helmet I could have instead of getting hosed.
On another note, this week I had one of the most exciting moments of my artistic career. I was invited to speak at a cool arts group called Katalyst through Tribehouse. These guys are the ultimate in peers and it was such a validating, rewarding experience to be in creative convo with them! I'm going to a summit in October as well which I'm over the moon about.

2011-09-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning." Catherine Aird

That's me, a horrible warning.

I have blogged this quote before but it just happens to be appropriate again. Sometimes I'm a real idiot and the only way I can justify it is if others learn from my mistakes. Fodder for the perpetual self flagellation is never far away. Yesterday I wrote about my new Piaggio Fly and how I was so fly and not beating my head against the closed window like a fly. Today is entirely another story and the Latin term for 'buyer beware' /ˌkæviːɑːt ˈɛmptɔr/) keeps rolling around in my head. I am going to humble myself down to the level I'm feeling in my heart right now and tell you my sordid story.
It started out with me doing research, test driving and learning about scooters. For some reason when it came to choosing a bike and handing over my money all my maturity went right out with the garbage. I way overpaid in CASH to a girl named Laura-Sophie Brooks Hurley for a bike that she didn't tell me had been in a bad spill. Today when I took it for a service the kind people at KGB Motorsports pointed out all the flaws and with each my heart broke a little. All the symptoms of an emotional aneurism came over me and I thought I was going to pass out and throw up. I'm a starving artist and a newly single mother that really shouldn't make stupid financial mistakes or indulge in any fun at all. I'm not sure why I forget so easily and go off in search of more fun and, quite frankly, danger! Why? They say mistakes are valuable because that's how we learn. but what about if we don't..... learn, that is? What then? I'm pissed off at the dishonesty of the person who sold it to me, I'm very pissed off at myself. As much as I could hope that things would turn in my favor and I would be able to go back, I can't.

What I have to do now is forgive. Forgive myself, forgive Laura. I just have such a trusting soul and today I feel fear of a hostile world full of scammers and meanies.
Maybe my husband was right, "I can't survive by myself"

A dear friend pointed out to me this morning about the rides at the fair. It's the ones that go off in all directions and jerk us around that we seek out. The nice little calm rides are.... boring..... I usually go on the boring ones and once and awhile I shut off the wise voice and I jump on one of the crazy rides and wrestle around a bit.

2011-09-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

I bought a little Piaggio Fly scooter. It is adorable and I love riding around with my hot hot helmet on! I can park anywhere and the gas is about $3 per week. I'm so free.... not just on my scooter but in my life. The dissolve of my 22 year relationship in February has been devastating and lonely but on the other hand, I'm free to be me. This is good, right?
Have you ever heard the story of the fly who buzzes incessantly into a window when just a few feet over there is an open door? The poor creature wants so badly to be free of the clear glass boundary. He can see the great big outside world yet try as he might he can't get out there. If he could relax and stand back just a bit he could quietly jet out that door and have all the joyous freedoms of the world. Do you ever feel like that fly? I do. I have. For so many years I have slammed into that glass pane seeing what was out there and not being able to fly out. Lately, I feel the ease that comes only from faith in something, anything bigger than yourself. I have stood back ever so slightly from the blocks, just enough to see how wide open the world is if I wait for the space reserved for me. Oh sure, I doubt all the time and start flying into the window headfirst... slam, slam slam. Less and less, lighter and lighter if I choose Love and freedom over fear and control.

I promise you the same little flame.

The Year of the Fire Starter

2011-08-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

August 7th:
Creative Fire Starter is my moniker for this, my 46th year. (I am a Leo and my Chinese zodiac is a fire horse) I'm spreading my fire for art and hope to be an arson for other peoples art too.

I'm celebrating my 45th birthday this year......? It's funny how I've shifted into old by the look on people's faces. When I announce, "cripes, I'm turning 45 on Wednesday" they say wow, "you don't don't look it or just a simple eyebrow raise paired with "MMMM". Last year when I would say "I'm turning 44" I would get, "oh, you're still a spring chicken or something to express I had a long way to go yet.... and I would feel pacified for a moment. Nope, not this year. I've officially moved into mature with an emphasis on the 'T' (the way my sister says it).

I haven't had a party for a long time so I decided to do it up artist style this year. A musician I've recently met, Brent Tyler, and absolutely love his work has agreed to join me and play at my studio.

FORGIVENESS (sailboats)

August 14th:
Andy Warhols mother is said to have told him, "don't be pushy but let everyone know you're around".
Last night I audaciously faced a 5 foot by 4 foot canvas stapled to my studio wall while surrounded by friends family and art appreciators. In the opposite corner of my studio was (pinch me) Brent Tyler and his percussion collaborator Andrew Ball. When they did their sound check at 6:30 I started to cry.... very moving experience that. It was a dream come true to be surrounded by people I love, an incredibly talented musical ensemble, and to paint...... did I deserve it? Was I pushy? Why are these the questions I'm asking myself today?
I'm happy with the painting I made last night and I'm incredibly honored and humbled that two such hi-caliber musicians played with me. I'll leave it at that and if I was pushy, audacious, disproportionately confident The universe will right me. My hope is that I will be blessed with another such opportunity again soon. I ache to add stage painter to my resume.

ache.

2011-07-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

Is it time already?
to go
stay awhile longer so I can breath
you in just enough.
a scent of living and presence
of knowing
It's about goodbye, so long

Oh time, I cling to your windy ribbons tearing at my fingers

Is it too much to ask for happiness
simple happiness
must things always change
and why must my heart want them to stay the same Oh,
the same. Except the days when I want them
to change
I'm a fickle creature.

2011-06-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

Holy moly! I can't even believe how much I love Mary Oliver!!!
This one makes me weep and dance all at the same time.
We just have to create.... just go for it. We are all creating the world we live in even if you think you're not creative, shift your mind-you are creating right now, sitting in your chair-you are oh divine one, you are!

"for how many years have you gone through the house
shutting the windows,
while the rain was still five miles away

and veering, o plum-colored clouds, to the north
away from you

and you did not even know enough
to be sorry,

you were glad
those silver sheets, with the occasional golden staple,

were sweeping on, elsewhere,
violent and electric and uncontrollable--

and will you find yourself finally wanting to forget
all enclosures, including

the enclosure of yourself, o lonely leaf, and will you
dash finally, frantically,

to the windows and haul them open and lean out
to the dark, silvered sky, to everything

that is beyond capture, shouting
i'm here, i'm here! now, now, now, now, now."
— Mary Oliver

2011-06-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so curious if anyone did it? Did you have an Olympic training day? Did you feel great at the end of it? I did and I did!!!! Yesterday I made great strides on the painting that I'm working on for Leon Avenue. It's metal and 2'x4' and I have to use exterior house paint which is so unforgiving! A real challenge but with each change I realize again that the paintings just come through me. I'm a mere conduit, a channel. If I just show up with a brush it just happens and it's so much better if my crazy mind gets out of the way.
Leave me a comment to tell about your Olympic day. I would love to hear about the tiny little things you did a bit differently and the miracles that ensued

Be Well. Not for yourself but for those who need you.

2011-06-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

The greatest gift one can give the world is to be well.
I'm in training. You know, like an olympic athlete?
My games are being an artist, a mother, a friend and an embracer of life. I really want to be excellent at that list........ perfectionist? Maybe.
I have become closer to ultimate wellness than I ever believed possible and I have had my eyes opened to magic. My wish for my wellness is to be a balanced tri.: spiritual, mental and physical.
I know it involves the hardest decisions, above all. The athlete has to decide not to eat certain foods and to have supportive relationships. I too am working on decisions. Lately, most of mine aren't great. Some of them are, though, and they certainly are better than they used to be.
I guess I would like to be good at truth, clarity and brutal balance. I still err on the side of permitting the unacceptable because I am a harbinger of Love. Sometimes wanting to spread Love can mean letting my guard down and not prioritizing, kind of like a silly flower child. Spreading flower petals is romantic and fun in the moment but it can lead you down a path, off course. Somehow, my vision of balance is spreading petals, in the moment, while prioritizing for extreme personal best.

I love having a thin healthy body and a clean mind but most of all it's my big ass wings that I love. They are attached to an even bigger ass glowing soul that needs to make art!

I am aware that complacency can creep in and in the blink of an eye I'm off the training schedule..... slipping away from my Olympic dream. Today I'm going to get it back.
Join me in being the very best you can be, just for today...... make good decisions- do it for someone you love.

no mistakes.

2011-06-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

I truly believe in timing and no mistakes. Lately, I am mindful and watchful of every moment of every day. I am a toddler playing hide and seek with God and our rooms are the universe, peeking around dark corners and vibrating with anticipation when I get so close to him I can hear his breath. I find him everyday, sometimes with a great big BOO surprise and I jump and giggle nervously at the magnitude of my discovery.

So when I watched a series of six youtube videos of an interview with Dr. John DeMartini I had an eyeopening, an awakening into the next phase for me. (click on the name to see the vids) Dr. Demartini says, "where isn't God", meaning why do we think that God is not in money? He talks about building wealth in terms of finding something that is of service to others. It hit me hard that wealth is about being of service to other people and then being of service to some more so that you can hire so they can be of service. Working at my gift of making art is effortless and so it is with all the things I've learned about staying true to myself and now being of service to the world I am veering gently to a new direction.

It scares me to write this down, especially publicly, but My life seems to be defined by the risks I'm taking. I have always felt undeserving of earning a living and therefore, depended on my dad and my husband to support me. I abdicated all my rights, I was alive because someone else was supporting me.... they had VALUE, I had none. One of the last things my husband said to me as he was walking out the door was, "you won't survive without someone like me". I plan to prove myself wrong, yes..... myself. See I believed him and I believed my dad and I believed my own assessment, that I couldn't survive without being a nothing and depending on another. I have a new belief, I'm not sure what it looks like yet, that I can be of service and I can be compensated for it enough to live well and raise my wonderful babies. I believe that I'm worthy of autonomy and that, when it's time, I can be interdependent in a warm, loving, healthy way.

thought for the day:

What is art to me? Art is a story. it's a story of and by the maker and it's a story of and by the viewer and the interaction between creation and enjoyment. I really hate it when people say, "I know what I like", art is not about liking something. I consider it a fail when I make something that get's a neutral response. I believe that art is to be loved or hated and each is as important as the other. Real art evokes emotion that stirs some sort of connection. I get to experience a complete, urgent and in the moment emotion when I create the art. I wish only, that I will make one thing in my lifetime that tells my story deeply, spiritually to one person on the planet.

Re-creation

2011-06-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

Years ago I harboured a belief that there is room for all of us. I said over and over to competitive artists, "there is room for everyone". Love never ends....

I had another one of those miracle weeks..... they are becoming the norm and not exception.
There's a re-creation of community going on and I'm amazed to somehow, miraculously be a part of it. It's a gentle rumbling of creatives; musicians, painters, dancers, poets and the spiritual minded. It's inclusive, generous and egalitarian most of all it's kindness and Love. I like to always spell Love with a capital 'L'. Love is not being afraid no matter how steep your mountain is. Love is never about worrying what others are doing and always about you. If we take care, absolutely, of ourselves the Love ripples out and is pure and wonderful and indirectly becomes about everyone else.

On Thursday night I sat in on an evening of art where Jessica Balfour, Nikki Balfour and James Balfour talked about their respective art forms. I took away the message that we all have a gift that comes easy to us, that when we are truly living our authenticity we won't know it because our cells will align with our calling and it will be as easy as breathing. We have been trained that things worth doing are hard and forced that when we are suffering we are living truth. I don't think so. I'm not sure how I'm going to see this through but I hope to explore it in my blog and videos.
Then, on Saturday night I had the privelidge of displaying some of my art at the dynamic 'Touch Collective' event. Wow, what a night! Music, poetry, dance, live painting, a killer D.J. and after the show I danced with a whole bunch of great peeps. So fun and inspiring.

Collaborative energy is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced. I plan to slide and flow into it and take my hands off the wheel.

thought for the day:
For so long I've been living in hiding~invisible~ now I say, "world I'm here. Notice me, Love me hate me watch me shine. I shrouded in all kinds of complicated layers and was wildly successful at becoming nobody but my heart screamed out. My body decided to dance and get up out of it's wheel chair and knock off it's prosthetics. It's a messy Joy I'm in ~ it's a ruckus adolescent party and I'm swinging from the rafters a bit while the world sits back and tisks its tongue and wags it's finger. I'll laugh my crazy wide open laugh. Just for a little while until a new comfort settles in.

Hello Sunshine

2011-05-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

hello sunshine

warmer of my soul

my companion

embracer

Let me be just your particles and nothingness

that when I hold out my fingertips there is warmth and no division

connected to light and everything and nothing

I beg of you not to judge me sol, lover of my soul

Today I was reminded that wherever I am is exactly where I'm meant to be. A simple stop for coffee turned into an afternoon with new friends, great conversation and inspiration. Follow your heart and your feet each day, don't be afraid....... I promise that great things await.

Painting, Friends and Tenderloin

2011-05-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

This week's theme has been about connecting with some of my oldest and dearest friends. Friends that I haven't seen much over the past 20 years. There is Kevin, whom I adore because he is smart, funny, deeply spiritual and completely accepting of my various flaws. We spent hours painting last night. He made me the yummiest steak dinner I've ever had and we watched youtube videos of live painters on his giant TV. I seriously could not have dreamed up such a perfect way to spend a Saturday evening!!! (You may remember last Saturday's post, where I cried in the Walmart). At 6pm Kevin and I waited for the world to end and decided that we'd be happy either way...... painting, a tenderloin steak, great company, I'm good to go wherever it is one goes when the world ends! Here is the painting I made:

It's acrylic on a 10"x14" canvas board. Roxy at Opus set us up with some brand new Pebeo iridescent paint and it is fantastic! The green and blue is all iridescent and reflective. The pink beeded line is made with liquitex pouring medium that I mixed with paint in a squeezy bottle, then I channeled Jackson Pollock for a sec. super fun. I think Being at Kevin's funky apartment with a few different materials unleashed a new direction.....

On Monday I happened upon Warren, a warm, gentle and steady soul who has been through the ringer with his health and other things. I had written with intention how much I would like a new easel and 2 days later I pulled my car into a parking spot and about a foot in front of me, on the sidewalk was my dear, childhood friend Warren. The short miraculous version of the story is that Warren builds things and has offered to build me an easel..... I'm so excited!

This week in the studio I'm going to set up the projector I've borrowed from Christina, another artsy diva at Opus. She has graciously loaned me this swanky piece of equipment so I can blow up my drawings onto some bigger surfaces. One of the surfaces is the 2'x4' panel that will be hung on Leon Ave. here in Kelowna. So, lots going on in my creative life and I couldn't be more thrilled! I hope to get back to some video this week too.

"let the soft animal of your body love what it loves", Mary Oliver

2011-05-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

I discovered today that there is still a crater in my heart, I wonder if there is even a heart left that darn crater is so big. I mistaken, at times, the thin pink layer of skin as healed, all healed up and ready to go. Then the wide eyed, pink maned Leo jumps into adventures with both feet so strong and proud...... all head up, all healed up. "I'm fine" I say between sobs from the peeling back of that new fresh skin. There are just so many people eager to get under there and peel it back it seems. So the choice becomes a)trust them and jump in and take a risk or b) hide out, alone. This is where a book about life might come in handy but probably, even knowing what I do now, I will still pick option a. And maybe, just maybe one of the adventures will be the one to help it heal. In the mean time I'll have a healthy dose of scar tissue.

Can someone please mail me the copy of that handbook, you know the one for living and loving and knowing how to be. I seem to have been left off of the mailing list, I'm sure that one of you has a copy I can borrow. It won't take me long to read as I'm an eager student and a quick study, I'll get it back to you just as soon as I have it all figured out.

I hate advice....... it really ticks me off. But, at this particular moment in time I love Lilly Allen's little tune and I'm singing it at the top of my lungs. You know the one? F. U. very very much.

I also love the way Mary Oliver nails it when she asks, "what will you do with your one wild and precious life"?

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."
— Mary Oliver

2011-05-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

I went to Walmart last night for breath mint strips, cotton balls, and a lighter for candles. I returned a pair of pantyhose. I cried. I was having a great big pity party that it was saturday night and I was in Walmart. The 300 lb girl in front of me in the pink and red striped pyjamas had a someone with his arm around her. Me, I was alone and bored..... bad combination.
I came home to a house full of music and laughter and 17 year olds. I plugged in Julia Roberts; eating praying and loving and felt somehow pacified. If I can just hang in between those, the blissful moments, pacified moments. Make them the cornerstones of my life. Remember that even though the pain is so intense at times it really is not as powerful as the unexpected miraculous Love that has flooded over me. I am shocked and amazed everyday that the miracles continue to roll in and they're big, bold unfathomable miracles.
One of the miracles:
I have been invited to be part of a group of artists who will each paint a large panel to hang over Leon Avenue in Kelowna. It will be part of beautifying the block where our Gospel mission is. The residents of the area are homeless and often facing massive challenges. Art heals. Bringing my art to be part of the healing is a daunting yet amazingly rich order and nothing less than a miracle. Here is my latest youtube video. Please subscribe to my channel. I plan to keep taping all my creative processes. Another miracle: Kim McMechan is the brilliant musician behind the piano on my 'Pear Tree' series of videos. AND in the summer I will be using James Balfour's amazing tunes...... this is really one of the most exciting things ever!!! I love collaboration.

what I'm working on today

2011-05-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm loving every moment of this process, the painting and the video documenting of the painting! It's still going to be awhile and possibly will be about 4 vids long. So I've decided while working on this painting that it's high time I got a new easel. This one is about 17 years old and it was a cheap student easel when I bought it. I've had dreams of someone building me a cool one that could turn and stuff..... I know an artist who's husband built her one like that. I just asked a friend, "are you making room for something great to come into your life"? but the funny thing is, I think I was actually asking myself. Do you ever do that..... mention something all wise and stuff and realize that it was meant for YOU? Wow, maybe everything falls into that category. I digress. I need a new easel. That's intention speaking to the universe because I have no idea how it's going to come to me.

This is the one I want, Universe

http://www.dickblick.com/products/craftech-ultra-series-easel/

Pear Tree.m4v

2011-05-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

What if.......

2011-05-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

What if, I went back to school next September to finish my bachelor of fine arts? I wonder? So many things go through my mind at the possibilities. I could study Art History like I've dreamed of doing. I could explore my fascination with all the women artists who've gone before me and risked everything to shout out their creative words. Their voices are calling me, I can hear Frida with her lovely mexican lilt and Georgia so gentle and buttery. Mary Cassat, I don't know you very well but girl, maybe we could catch up over tea. I bought the domain name herfootsteps dot com and I am going to visit all those women artists around the world, and hopefully bring some other like minded individuals with me.

OR, Artemisia Gentileschi 1593–1652 who painted Judith Slaying Holofernes. Now there's a woman I could get to know, if she'd let me in. I absolutely love this painting and I need to learn why, technically!

When I first knew I needed to study art history it was with distain but within days of my first class I was hooked. i think it was largely, in part, due to the instructor. Mireille Perron, the only women I've ever fallen in love with, made everything sound romantic. Even when she said Dada or Barbarian I hung on every syllable. So now, almost 18 years later I want to get back at it. Studying and becoming a degree carrying woman. There are some things I need to find out; can I use any of my credits from the 2 years of art school I did back in the '90's? How much does it cost and WHERE am I going to get the money. I think when one gets the desire and the in-spiration (spirit) the means will follow. So off I continue on my yellow brick road to discover if this is part of my future.

I celebrated both my kids birthdays this weekend, mother's day is poignant because they are both officially teenagers now. My baby is 13 and I really can't believe it. I do feel as though I'm in a re-invention phase of life..... so many changes and unknowns. I think the old me would have been trying to find a big rock to crawl under but the new and improved me is just excited and full of wonder at what's around the next bend. I'm a size 4, wonders never cease!!!! If I can be 135 lbs and a size 4 anything is possible, maybe even bliss and abundance.

The Richest Girl in the World

2011-05-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

The long row of 100 foot Pines, beyond the apple orchard, are swaying in the wind. They are somehow strong and precarious at the same time. Some of them have the tell tale red of pine-beetle damage. I've seen a few fall about half way down, with such force it takes your breath away. I had been thinking about a hike today. Instead I warmed up my bean bags and curled up with Oprah interviewing president and Mrs. Obama. and my blog. The air still has a chill and the apple trees are all pulled in like spectators at a winter parade. My dad, my hero, who has his ear quietly to the pulse of the earth says, "the apple blossoms are a month behind this year". Every spring at the this time I head up the hill behind my house and am in awe and wonder that the old abandoned cherry orchard is in bloom and the bees have come back to collect pollen. I know some say there are signs of change, but here in this miraculous pocket that I call home the quail still bob up the rows at dusk and back down again at dawn. The dogs circuit the property line like deputies and you can see stars at night for the black sky. ('Grass grows without edges and bees are princes', that's a line from my children's story I hope to publish someday.)
I'm letting go, now, of the home I've lived the longest in. We might be here a while yet but I need to let go never-the-less. To all things comes an end.
Last night was the Artists For Japan Disaster Relief Concert. I can safely say I am not a naturally talented fundraiser. it was a fun run through small town stardom and philanthropy and now I wait faithfully for the next message from the universe. There are rumblings and, like my dad, I keep my ear to the earth.

In-spired or in-the-spirit is the way I am living now. I was recently introduced to the poetry of David Whyte and love this line of his "what you can plan is too small for you to live" so I have attempted to stop planning. it's much harder than it sounds, in fact I already have plans for Thursday and Friday Oh gosh I guess for the weekend too..... I'm not even much of a planner so you gold A-types out there must be having a hell of a time. I recommend making mistakes in your plan at the very least, I have the most wonderful surprises come out of my mistakes.

Clean Sheets

2011-04-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

I washed my sheets tonight.
Sheets on the bed of 21 years or is it 22, Who's counting?
I washed those sheets and now I realize that your scent is gone..... I can't get it back.
All the moments you don't remember when you're angry or sad, I can't get those back.
But I washed the sheets and now my mind says it's OKay to make new memories. If only my heart could agree and realize that there is nothing wrong with clean sheets. That what we wanted was fresh air billowing under them.
The old sheets were good. they held Love and pain and babies. But it was time, my mind says, to let them go and have fresh clean ones.
The new sheets are clean, I ask myself; do I really want clean sheets..... it's too late though because they are. Only one side is folded down tonight and the other crisply tucked.
I put the pillow cases on carefully where your head won't lay, it'll be OKay?

I could wish to have it all back the way it was but I won't. It can't be. I realize. My mind and heart will tough it out awhile and the sheets will soak up all the tears and the sweat of my dreams of dark clouds. Spring is coming. Maybe I'll hang the sheets out one day when the weather warms.

The Illusion of Fear

2011-04-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I lay down for a rare afternoon nap. I'm not sure if it was exhaustion from too many late nights but as I slipped in to the bliss that only an afternoon sleep can be, a deep and haunting blanket of fear settled over...... It was gripping and felt like those images of ominous, black storm clouds sped up in time lapse photography. I laid on my side, stationary. Hoping sleep would find me deeply and generously, I stayed still. I bargained with God to reveal anything to me so I could make light of it and enjoy my nap. To no avail, the evil feeling set in to my cells. I had the tell-tale signs of belief.... shivering, speeding heart beats and cold extremities. The interesting thing about the experience is that I had the clear sense that it was a lie, an illusion, completely fabricated by some rogue section of my brain trying to convince me that fear was the right choice. It said all kinds of horrible things to me, "you're not so great", "people are lying to you when they compliment your art", "you really look old and wrinkly", your career is never going to amount to much", oh and yes even, "no one will ever Love you"......... on and on it went like a hornet lighting on surfaces but never much committing to a specific one. It was ugly and it lied very well.

Unlike at other times in my life, this time I was able to be an observer, I couldn't make it stop but I felt no need to argue with it. The hornet went on from surface to surface with the occasional sting to see if it could get a reaction. I think I drifted into semi-conciousness and continued to observe. When I woke I realized I had been an explorer in a new frontier of a space and time and that I had been on a quest for it for so long. I had lived for long periods in the blackness of the lie of fear..... it was as real to me as a cream pie in the face. My sleepy epiphany was standing at the precipice of no return, I crossed the chasm into light and Love.

Have you ever watched a butterfly just after it emerges from it's chrysalis and is a fully intact amazing creature but not quite yet sure of it's flying ability? It sits for a time slowly moving it's wings up and down........up and down............ up and down and then suddenly, as though it's done it for 1000 years, lifts and floats away in a blur of brilliant colour. I think that's me, now. I'm sitting at the end of the dock just emerged from a long slumber and my wings are testing.... up and down...... up and down........ up and down. I haven't yet believed the moment that comes next. I think we are not prohibited to believe it because it is going to be so much more magical and wonderful than anything ever previously known. It is going to be huge. Possibly heavenly. I was given a glimmer of the fear I've left behind so I won't forget that it's behind me. Its talons used to grip me mercilessly for months at a time but that bird has officially flown the coop. I NEVER will feel that fear again, A new excitement of risk has taken its place. What a wonder is this world.

Art for Your Mobile Device

2011-04-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited to be offering 3M skins for your favourite mobile device. I have iphone 4 skins in the following 4 designs. Special order for any cell phone, laptop or tablet. I even have some poppy paintings coming for my Dad's Kobo...... shhhh, it's a surprise! For easy ordering go to http://www.etsy.com/people/carrieharper

my fave mobile is an iphone 4!

Daydreams

Mama Grow

Uganda Girl

Fly Girl

"If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning"

2011-04-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

What do you say when someone asks you how much money you need to make your creative dreams come true? I can confidently, experientially tell what you shouldn't say. First, you shouldn't completely lose your composure and start to look around nervously and you definitely shouldn't say, "about $5000-$10,000". Might be a better idea to remain in the authentic frame of mind you'd been in for the previous two hours and fifty minutes, having delightful get to know you sort of conversation. Possibly shrug, smile and say "I haven't decided yet, could I get back to you"? Or even, I've had such a nice time, let's not talk about money. A third idea might be, "well, why do you ask"?

I'm happy to report that I always learn from my mistakes and after much reflection will never again make the mistake of saying something stupid. Or Maybe, probably, oh heck you know I will say something stupid again....... it's one of the things I do best. In the words of Catherine Aird, "if you can't be a good example then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning".

I've had more rewarding adventures and learnings in the past 48 hrs than the rest of my life rolled together. I've been on a secret journey to see much art and have been rewarded beyond measure. Graffiti, shoes, clothes, conversation, magnolia blossoms and people living artfully is what I've found. I may have to sleep for a week, now, but my dreams will be sweet and my smiles will be real. I've been given a vision of the trajectory I was on and the one I embarked when I made one small change. If I trace the lines out along the triangular space between them it becomes greater with every inch and reveals to me, I am good.

the following poem is by Mary Oliver, The House Light Beacon Press Boston, 1990.
as seen at http://www.bemindful.org/poems.htm
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-- the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

a lot can change in a week

2011-04-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

A whole lot can change in a week. One day last week my Facebook post was "alone is so alone". I was fully prepared to cling to my aloneness for an indefinite amount of time. That if pain was what I had to endure I would do it in the most noble way possible and as long as was required. Today, it would seem that the pain of aloneness has a surprising reward and that by walking directly through it and soaking it all up, full on, it was a short run.
I heard a story once about buffalo facing a storm together by slowly going right through the centre of it. They huddle tight together and use those big furry heads to brave the worst yet shortest distance through the storm. Most other animals sense a storm coming and panic and run the perimeter of it, often getting lost and separated from each other. I decided to step out into the storm, take a risk and really feel the whole hellish thing and I thought I was going it alone. What I discovered is that when I stepped out and took the risk a whole bunch of people stepped in to huddle around me and protect me while I walked through the most difficult.
I am constantly reminded by the cosmic power of each tiny step I take out into a storm I will be taken care of. I am slowly learning to let each day be it's own massive, endless and exciting universe. That tomorrow truly has not been created yet and that today is so beautiful and fulfilling even when I stay in my jammies. I know that there is no room for guilt or regret. That I deserve all good things and really, even the days where I wail in indulgent self-pity are good days. I sit and smile and wonder what is coming tomorrow for today is everything.... how could tomorrow be more?
I'm so inspired by this artist http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=1332781174&aid=2111366

2011-03-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

Picture by Sean from The Capital News
What a roller coaster week.
A Facebook group going viral, much media attention (above picture taken by Sean of The Capital News), A day long photo-shoot for the Kelowna Elizabeth Fry Society a spring art show and a visit from Dave
There's a horse sitting on my chest square between that dip in the center of my collar bone. It won't get up and I've been dragging it around since Thursday. It took up residence there the other day when I saw my husband across the parking lot of the coffee shop we'd agreed to meet at.

I had watched the back end of his van drive away exactly 6 weeks earlier, turn the corner just below my studio, outside of the Starbucks where we'd had coffee, and drive off. I slipped into my little car and sobbed an audible no, no, no that I didn't recognize as my own voice. In that instant I recognized my deep and impossible Love that couldn't stay as it was but that hadn't yet been re-invented. Limbo. It felt as though someone had peeled my skin off and I was raw and pure pain incarnate for a few days..... time as they say does heel wounds. After my token days of drama I emerged and got on with the prospect of being the very best, yet hugely insufficient mother, I could be and continue on with building my personal artist brand. I was busy yet full and satisfied. I had many moments of worry and doubt in the job I was doing with the kids on my own but the ability to make decisions without an argument over every little thing was refreshing.
Now, I am back at that place I had left. The painful alone place, despite being surrounded by the most amazing generous loving people. The One that used to warm my feet at night is gone in another direction. I'll be OK, I really don't want pity. I'm going to keep going and make art and just Love everyone to the Max.
On to new and Fabulous amazing things, on my own

2011-03-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well, this day is alive with the spirit of giving creativity. On Wednesday I had a tiny sprout of an idea to give somehow, to Japan, inspired by my friend Tomoe. I thought, "I have to do something", just to make myself feel useful. I'm a big believer that this Earth school is fraught with struggle and that charity for the sake of merely helping others is a one dimensional approach. With that in mind my intention of helping is only ever to make myself a conduit of Love and creating a ripple effect of that Love. I can't ever take someone else's learning opportunity away from them but I can create a ripple of Love.
With my little idea of starting a facebook group called ARTISTS FOR JAPAN on Wednesday afternoon amazing things are happening. This morning I awoke to 175 emails in my inbox and our group has grown to 311 people. I'm flying by the seat of my pants, trying to keep up with the response. I have no idea how to do this but I'm finding that the answers are coming in on real time, just as I need them. Art Saves.

this is the painting I'm donating to be auctioned. 'Poppies' 12"x12"

The healing power of creative journaling and zentangling

2011-03-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I was honored to stand in front of six beautiful women and share what I have learned about Creative Journaling and Mixed Media. It was two Saturday afternoon's of creativity and good, self-exploring conversation. Since then I have seldom stopped doodling in My Moleskine journal. One of the participants in my class shared a new art form with us called zentangle I hope everyone goes and checks it out as well as looking at all the youtube vids on the topic.

Here is one of my lame first attempts at this sport. I absolutely love doing it and am excited to share this with my Mixed Media workshops in the future. Journaling is such a healing art form and doodling or Zentangling, as it's now known, is no exception. I'm considering getting a certification, yup you heard me! You can become a certified instructor. I think this whole visual creative journaling is my new schtick and I love passing everything I know on to anyone who wants deeper self expression and possibly healing in a safe private way. coming up at The Vernon Public Art Gallery is my journaling workshop, three Saturdays: May 21st, 28th and June 4th. call (250)545.3173 or www.vernonpublicartgallery.com for more information. all are welcome!

2011-01-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

3DAYS AGO:
I feel something of a failure today :( It's OK though, who cares? I'm moving back to the studio after a three month hiatus. I'm excited and trepidacious (I think that's a word?) right now my art table at home is such a mess, I have to box everything up and haul it downtown (K. DID THAT). I LOVE my funky, little downtown studio but there is something so flowy and creative about working at home. My house is not conducive to being an artist with a family. My 'stuff' is in what used to be the dining room. I have a huge (6'X 4') painting hanging on the wall that faces into the kitchen, living room, dining room. IT HAS CONSUMED ME FOR 2 MONTHS. I think it's almost done, will take it to it's new home tomorrow (Sunday) and then put some final touches, take some pics, varnish it and then final delivery. send me good vibes that it all goes well!

today:
I just booked the Opus framing and art supply classroom for a Mixed Media Journaling workshop. It will take place on February 19th and 26th..... 2 parts this time because there are soooo many juicy details to cover. This is all about charging up your creative battery in 2011 and it's going to be super-dee-duper fun. I'm really hoping for some some new artists and some folks who 'think' they aren't creative. Truth is, we are all creative beings, the fact that we walk this crusty surface means we have already co-created. I have tons of cool collage materials to include in your tuition and am hoping to collect a bunch of things when I GO TO MEXICO, "HOLA".

I'm going to see if I can put up a paypal button here so that you can sign up and get your course outline ASAP.
There is only room for 8 participants so sign up soon! Can't wait to share everything with you. intuitively yours,
Carrie

I think I'm a 'Brave Girl', finally.

2010-12-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

Would you like to join me in a 6 week 'soul restoration' through your own visual Journaling? After reading Melody Ross' blog post today I decided I have come so far in such a short time (God willing) and I can actually call myself a Brave Girl! Melodie's story telling is nothing short of inspired and super entertaining. I laughed and felt deeply that I'm not the only one who lives with somewhat humbling/humiliating scenarios daily.

This time last year I was miserable, just plain fat and looking for happiness in my daily binges..... sorry if this offends but I'm not any of those things anymore so it actually feels good to say it now. I was binging not only on every refined carbohydrate in sight but also on sadness and self pity. My days were spent mostly hiding out at home feeling sick and my nights were spent eating alone and in despair. One of the most embarrassing episodes was actually at my sister's house over Christmas holidays. My family and I were all together for the holiday and as in many families it was tense and stress filled. My sister is an amazing cook and baker and she had her patio table, outside the kitchen, filled with lovely sweets. as everyone was heading to bed one night I made a bee-line for the patio table (I was spending the day there in my mind anyway) I'm sure you can predict the outcome of that night.... I had my fill and felt more and more outrageously disgusted with myself as the minutes ticked by. It's a memory now though, life is really different today.... just for today I'm a Brave Girl. I follow a food plan given to me by a long line of other women with food obsessions, I'm 60 lbs lighter and I feel so free from thinking about my next fix that I'm getting on with life and art and love.

I'm running a Soul Restoration Group from the Brave Girls Club website. If you head over there to sign up for the class mention me as the leader of the group, I need six people to qualify! You won't need the kit mentioned as I will share with you all of my favorite things and we'll get going in the week of January 11 on a day that works for everyone.

stormy journal

2010-12-03T22:47:00.000-08:00

Storm Journal $60.00

A few people have mentioned that I need boyish journals so here it is; A new one is up. It says," stop telling God how big your storm is and start telling the storm how big your God is". It's made with a map of Vancouver collaged onto the cover of an Opus Slim artist sketchbook (8.5x11). The boat is made out of the page of an old book I got at the Vernon Safeway, Le Roi Des Mont. First I primed it with Golden Gesso and then a layer of stormy acrylic paint. After that I cut up and stuck down the map of Vancouver, making sure to keep the parts with water uncovered. I trimmed the waves with a hint of ink and touched them all up with a bit more paint. Finally I added a boat and a bird and now it just needs a quick topcoat and a dreamer who wants to write all their stormy stories.

So techie, ALT

2010-11-22T11:45:00.000-08:00

I just made a favicon..... see that little face up on the browser tab? I made that without having a clue what I was doing! It took about an hour to figure it out but I did it.....
I'm so excited, I've been working on my website (actually a blog) I'm learning all kinds of techie things and feeling so empowered.... powerful really. What an accomplishment, when you seem to know nothing for so long and all of a sudden you can solve your own problems (with some help of course). I seem to be doing that in life as well, for years I went along thinking I could not earn a living, support myself, believe in anything important, make a website. I felt as though life was a 'not so magic carpet ride' and I was going to slip off at any moment and plummet to darkness. My new truth is that it IS a magic carpet ride and DREAMS can come to fruition if I see them and expect them and most of all, ask for them. Deborah says ALT (that little key that most of don't use on the computer keyboard)ASK, LISTEN, TAKE ACTION. So that's what I've been doing and do you know what, there are answers being downloaded actively.
I don't think I'll ever get over my amazement that there is a living power-greater-than-ourselves who wants to give us a super life where we easily solve challenges and learn brilliant answers.
Early on in 2010 I was given the word success, and so far this year that is exactly what I have received. I found a program for living on January 14 and I have lost around 60 lbs because of it, I now wear a size 6!!! I have turned my business around, now a thriving and fun art and teaching work in progress. I've stopped living as though I'm waiting for things to begin and I'm living in a messy, crazy, dive right in kind of world. Not sure what 2011 will be about but just for today I'll carry out 'success' a little longer. Remember ALT.

my girls

2010-11-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

proud Mom

2010-11-04T01:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had the unique privilege to see my beautiful boy in uniform.

He'd hate it that I'm writing this because he is quiet, reserved and oh so handsome with his gorgeous full head of red hair. He has recently joined our local group of air cadets and is, so far, very positive about the experience. If you had have told me that my wild, wake-boarding, fun loving red head would cut off those locks and be in a GLIDER by October I definitely wouldn't have believed you. If you had have told me that that same summer loving, barefoot son of mine would march in big, shiny black boots and a blue uniform I would have called you crazy!!! But, my infinitely wise children teach me something everyday and today I learned that life is in perfectly perpetual motion. Mitch aka. "Conservative" (as he's known now in the cadet circle) loves to learn, to be a contributing member of his own community, and (best of all, my wish came true) has self esteem to just be march his own path. The smile says it all and tonight as he tried on the whole ensemble we were both grinning ear to ear.

Celebratory November

2010-10-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

for the month of November I will be at
Fabulous Finds at The Summerhill Winery on November 5, 4-9pm & 6, 10-4

Join me at Opus for a free demo on Mixed Media and creative journaling
November 13, 2-4pm get there early as seating is limited.

On November 26 and 27 Studio 4 & 5, 375 Bernard ave we swing our doors wide open and invite you to see where we work creatively. The studios will be crammed with the beautiful collections of seven career artists. This one is not to be missed.
nikkibalfour.com
kendraart.com
Amy Burkard
Tina Schnellert
Carrie Harper
Lisa Brown

2010-10-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

allnighter~making journals

2010-10-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

I went to sleep at 5:30am and woke in a stupor at 7:30 to drive a kid to the bus stop. I painted 4 new 8.5" x 11" journals that will be available at Fabulous Finds and at my free Opus demo as well as at my studio show on November 26 & 27. An all-nighter of pure blissful creating with mixed media.

The original, hand-painted Journals will be $60.00 at the show
and the reproduction 5" x 8' journals will be $25.00 at the show

all the journals are made with artist quality sketchbooks with acid-free archival paper so you can be confident that you can create memories. the cloth journals come in a few fun colors with an image created by me on the cover. These journals lay flat for ease of use doing full crossover pages. I'll post pictures in my next post

They come through me

2010-10-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

She's done!

"The works I paint are not my own, but my Father who lives in me does his work through me."
~ John 14:10

Uganda Girl in her new home

2010-10-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

that was her last night this is her this morning! I'm so excited about this project.... super fun and dear to my heart. She's not quite done but getting close. I'm still going to add some text and a couple of more embellishments and then I'll give her to her new owner.... hope she likes!

Here she is in her new home, an 8.5x11 hardbound journal, with out any lovely embellishments. I'm just to about to get going on making her all pretty and ready for her owner. She's going to get a neck and other niceties. I'll keep updating!

new journal project

2010-09-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to be invited to make a custom hand painted journal which may be copied into multiple journals. Here is the drawing I have started for this project. I've decided to be more organized and document the process of this project... I hope I can stick with it as this is way out of character for me. Here goes:

Suzi Skool, mermaids and plenty of good drama!

2010-09-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

I'm an artist hermit. In the spring of 2010 I found suziblutube while surfing my little macbook lying in my cozy bed. She wove art into her wonderful girly gypsy life and waxed poetic about her constant companion pup, Gigi. I found myself falling in love with Suzi and Gigi and before I knew it I wanted to jump out of bed and draw and paint and sprinkle gold dust on everything. I quickly learned to incorporate pretty girls into my art and developed something more exciting than I could have in 5 years on my own. I am forever grateful to http://alovelydream.com/site/Welcome.html and http://alovelydream.com/site/Les_Petit_Academy.html for sparking the creative spirit in that had taken a painful hiatus!

With Suzi blu you will learn to draw and paint and layer and embellish but you will also learn the power of a creative community and acceptance from like minded folks.

ArtWalk stories

2010-09-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

I spent a glorious 14 hours last weekend, at Lake Country Art Walk, sitting with my paintings while chatting with onlookers. It was exhilarating, terrifying, tiring, exciting, and so many things rolled into one. I'm a producer of things and a seller of those things. It really is so much more than that though. Stories. Most people who buy art want a story and most art has a story, I believe it's the story they are buying not the art. Art is a purely emotional experience for the maker and the purchaser. I sold 3 paintings during art walk and then another one just after, what an absolute thrill! I love the idea of little pieces of me; my nighttime dreams, my daytime visions, my surges of creative energy that pulse through me all with their own path toward someones wall. So many details culminate into each painting and the space where they are created is the foundation.

At the end of September I will be moving out of my studio.....insert pouty face...... So I can save a bit of money on rent and then move back in January.... happy face! A lovely artist will fill in for me, which I am ever so grateful, so that I can gather my reluctant business self. In the mean time I'm teaching a mixed media workshop on October 2nd and moving all my art stuff into my dining room. It really changes the way I work to change my surroundings. I'm like one of those little turtles that stays the same size when they're in their little plastic pond (with the palm tree, I'm a child of the 60's). Anyway, My point is that my work will change again in the next couple of weeks as I move back home to paint. I'm hoping to be more consistent with blogging to record said changes! Stay tuned.

on Faith

2010-09-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

For so many years I thought that when I lost weight my life would magically be perfect...... In the last 7 months I have shed over 50lbs which is very gratifying and I love trying on clothes and feeling cute, but..... life still carries on in it's chaotic reverie! My husband is out of work and looking in a very difficult market and our stuff is falling apart and we don't have the means to fix it. I was hanging on and feeling good until last week; until I stepped in dog poop in my brand new shoes, until my computer hard-drive crashed with everything important to my work on it (no, I didn't back it up), until warning lights started coming on in my car.

On September 7th we have been married for 19 years. Is that one of those restless anniversaries because we're in such a state of flux the earth is moving?

Dave is, as they say, in a career transition and diligently looking for work.

"Just because there are questions does not mean there are answers" (Kiyoko Larner, Darger's landlord) therefore, I say, there can only be faith. My journey through the twelve steps has me more faithful than I have ever been in my life. Promises of the program tell me, "We will lose fear of economic insecurities. I am being doled out one day in front of me, nothing more. quiet time with the creative energy of the universe, reading positive material and being authentic everyday is the way I will get through the current chaos..... faith in the present.

2010-08-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday's word was"Caged". I thought of freedom, as in: the opposite of caged.

2010-08-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

A few images of what I'm working on. Lots of layers so they are changing daily. These ones will be ready for artwalk in Lake Country on September 11 and 12

"Souls"

2010-07-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

2010-06-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

2010-06-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

I've been flying under the radar since January, not blogging. I made a huge life decision which brought about change. Upon the realization that I am, amongst other things, an addict and my drug of choice being food I gave up eating flour, sugar and all potential binge foods. I think I was using food to deal with my mental illness and it had gotten out of control.
It has been a process of letting go of my coping mechanism completely and replacing it with something new. I'm not sure how to write about the process and how much to divulge. I'm fine with the inherent messiness of bi-polar and writing about it, up until now, seemed natural and cathartic. Writing about a food addiction is entirely another thing.
I can start by saying my new lifestyle has led to me weighing 43 lbs less than I did in January! I've gone from wearing a size 16 to a size 8. I feel healthier than I have in my adult life and I truly believe that releasing my issues with eating and facing them everyday with support has led to mental, emotional and physical well being.

2010-06-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

2010-06-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

2010-01-03T03:27:00.000-08:00

it's ten to 3 am on Saturday night, January 2 (well, technically 3rd). I'm still awake watching vids on my laptop... listening to music on my new ipod. I have creative ideas surging through my system. Like, seriously, my WHOLE system. They must start in my brain but some moments shortly past the brain they become a fully physiological idea and I start zapping down to my digits. seconds after that my brain must be freed up because another one will hit and then another and then another...........
• I need to get to the studio and paint using my old photos/ overhead projector and oil paints, pastels,charcoal.
• close-ups of horses, burned trees, leaves, stones, flowers
I'm excited about this idea after seeing an artist on "Landscape as Muse".

I've also been looking forward to making changes to the kitchen. I'm printing tumbled marble tiles with my photos of close-up hydrangea.... lots of fresh greens and a bit of purple 4"x4" interspersed with plain creamy marble. it's going to look great if we can get it done. first, i have to source marble that matches the ones I already have! THEN, best part of all.... we're getting new appliances. Ours are the absolute cheapest, crappiest that were available in 2004. The oven burns everything on the bottom and is not self-cleaning. The dishwasher is leaving little rust circles on all the white dishes and the fridge is boring and hard to get into. I'm hoping for a fridge with french doors...... I know, does'nt that sound cool?

In the midst of ALL this I continually wonder if my body and brain are going haywire again. I am a skipping stone. The intermittent sleep, agoraphobia, psychedelic creativity, shaking, buzzing, collapsing. All signs that I'm probably not supposed to partake in the fun of self inflicted chaos.... chaos of life is normal though, right?
Why does it feel so unmanageable when you're bipolar?
Everyone close to me says," you can't do that", or, "be careful", or "don't take on so much". So, I'm down to doing pretty much, NOTHING....like, a big fat goose egg and the spinning, colorful artistic ideas keep coming. so I'm going for it again, be forewarned. I can't let all these rare kernels pop without catching them.

Insert: for anyone out there prescribed *Oxycarbazapine it has some weird side effects; enlarged pupils, really watery and sensitive eyes, I think it's causing blured vision..... not sure

*(these are all based on my own assessment and in no way implicate a doctor or pharmaceutical company)

3:44 I wonder if I can sleep now? more pills?

2009-11-30T16:50:00.001-08:00

trying out ping.fm

2009-11-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

On Thanksgiving weekend my dear Gracie invited our whole family to join her class at Kingfisher near Mable Lake. It's a fisheries, government run project where they breed salmon from the region. I found the day magical and found new artistic inspiration. We didn't have expectation as we had only heard about the event that morning and just jumped in the car in our warm clothes and drove to be together with our family- our favorite people. The guys running the program were fun, nature loving, passionate people who opened our eyes to something most of us take for granted. I estimate that about 100 people of all ages, stood on either bank of the rushing waters (the kids were the stars of the day). The guys picked us up in flat bottom river boats and transported us across to where they were harvesting the female spawners and 'milking' the boys.

Standing in the boat, I looked down into the water and saw ribbons of color. The water was all greens, golds, blues and the fish the most amazing shades of reds, oranges, pinks. When I got home I put pencil to paper and drew what I saw.... Not fish and water but what is saw. I was so excited to paint the colors because that was what was most inspiring. Loosening up those Dan Smiths (watercolors) really got things rocking.
(fish story cont.)
They had to catch the females just before they had deposited their eggs and died. It was a raw, bloody process. The huge red females were hung upside down by their tales and carefully cut up there bellies where the eggs lay. The eggs were bigger than I expected, about the size of a blueberry (my preconceptions coming from sushi roe). Dave and my Mom actually ate one... brave! After all the eggs were safely stored in clean containers and the sperm in baggies we all made our way to the Kingfisher centre. Eager kids stood around a group of long tables each with a basin and the eggs distributed. This is when it got exciting! Each child got a different baggy of seminal fluid BUT* no fertilization took place until the river water was added. Three parts not two like one would think. Science has proven that the water plays a key role in the little fishies 'memory' to come back to the exact place they were conceived.... I KNOW, INCREDIBLE!!!! When the three parts were combined and little hands stirred them up we saw the eggs change before our eyes. They became a glowing golden, orange color, the circle of life began again.

2009-11-20T16:25:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming and our goose is pretty thin. I'm having more awkward moments from my last post, regarding our finances, then from all the others about my mental health. My social experiment results are in, discussing finances is the new taboo. Where we used to say, "don't talk about religion or politics" it seems now we might say, "let's, please, not talk about money"!
As usual I break with taboo tradition, I used to love talking about religion and politics to piss people off but I can make a shift. Before moving on to the new I'll just say that I am fiercely Liberal and religiously abstinent. I have become open and closed to all religions and particularly irritated by religious zealots who believe that it is their job to change everyone. I believe we are all the same. Connected, in fact, by something greater than the limitations of religions conjured in the minds of men. Religion creates nothing but war. War between men on the street and nations on the globe. You can't imagine how monumental it is for me to write this down publicly. Most of the important people in my life are evangelical Christians. I have been surrounded by Christians since conscious memory allows. I'm aware that publishing this post will result in controversy but at 43 it's time for me to embrace my own truth. In no way do I mean to shift anyone else off their own truth and my hope is that this won't provoke a messiah response (you know, like, Please don't try to save or fix me!!!!)

moving on- I have to admit that I often feel, "why me" about being broke. I think I was meant to be a comfortably well off person. I've always had trouble working in a traditional job yet had inherited a painfully strong work ethic. I have chosen physically taxing jobs; eg. hairdressing and retail sales/customer service, yet have a very week constitution. Recently, along with my diagnosis after a long and difficult depressive episode I tearfully accepted that I will probably never be able to work again. It was a process that I discussed, maybe still discussing, with my psychiatrist. She is compassionate and adamant at the same time. It is her professional opinion that if I go back to the work force I will get sick, for me getting sick again could be a terminal situation (speaking of awkward topics).
As hard as it is to make ends meet right now I am most fortunate to be in a relationship with Dave taking care of the earning part of life. Blah, blah, blah. I can't believe I just had that thought. Being completely honest, it sucks to raise kids on one meager income!!!

O.K. so, I'm channeling all my efforts into being an artist, a painter, and I wanted to believe that the universe would reward me for being a part of creation. Sometimes it works. I paint and God sends people to buy and it feels confirmed that all the years of practice and all the years of failing at life are worth something. Then, there are times like this- recession and the failure moves into my cells and sounds like "quit, you suck". I put that last statement into quotations because, years ago I had a show and put out a guest book. every page had praise except one..... it said "quit you suck". Why is it that those 3 words are emblazoned on my brain as the only one truth of my art? Partly because I can't get this financial thing figured out. Do you think if I had representation, if collectors were falling over themselves to get my work, if I was making a steady income I would feel differently about my worth?
This is starting to read like a pity party. I want to be clear that I believe making art full time is a much higher road than all the other things I've been paid to do. I choose this life everyday and it chooses me. It just sure would be nice to make some money!
I'm looking forward to mine and my two colleague's show on November 27 & 28. We have distributed 400 printed and countless digital invitations.
The three of us could probably agree that we prefer being at our proverbial easels than we do in the spotlight, that's what makes us artists in the first place.
This honest commentary won't be getting me any dinner invitations.... I'm laughing as I think of it. I'm somewhat proud of this social ineptness.

meds

2009-11-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

I've just divulged to my husband that I've greatly cut back on taking many of my meds because of our finances. Oxcarbazapine is a mood-stabilizer but costs a lot of money, I cut that one down by half. I've stopped gabapentin altogether and lamotragine. For sleeping I've reduced Quetiapinne and am using a sample that my dr. gave me it's timed released. I still take the recommended dose of synthroid and cytomel as they run my thryroid and are quite cheap.
I'm not able to work a regular job. Past experience has demonstrated that I have massive anxiety and/or depressive disorder episodes and most often, post extreme burnout, will attempt suicide. Basically it's all about the money.
I'm having mixed feelings about not contributing to our family finances. I dread the thought of ever working in another J.O.B. that sucks the life out me. Most of all because it makes me sick and steals months from me that are irretrievable .I paint. it's the only thing I can do. yet at times even painting leaves me panting for oxygen... and as though some force much greater than myself has stormed in and used my resources to create a body of canvases. The entity promptly leaves again and I am certifiable.
I'm sure it's niave and definitely mentally ill to dream about being independantly wealthy. To have the medication I need, the art supplies I love and the representation to continually move paintings into the hands of collectors. Oh God, Christmas is coming.... my body went into a heightend sense of pain as I just wrote that.

Diana Gabaldon

2009-11-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I got to see Diana Gabaldon at our local community Theatre. It was fantastic! I love listening to creative people tell of their process, their work, their life. Ms. G did not disappoint. My favorite part was when she described tucking her husband into bed at ten pm, catching a nap with her dachshunds until midnight and then working (writing) until four am. Sounds like my perfect day! Speaking of perfect, my days currently are not. I'm trying a new timed released version of seroquel and today, slept until noon. I really want to get to the studio and be creative and productive but feel torn in many different directions. Mostly, I'm resenting my family for needing me to perform mundane tasks for them but then, I feel guilty for resenting. I adore them and therefore, have mixed emotions-surprise- about my negativity. On top of beating myself up for all this it is October, the worst month of the year for my mood disorder.
Anyway, I'd much rather think about Diana Gabaldon and dream that I could emulate her success. Alas, it is a much different nest of chicks being a painter than a novelist. We spend much time alone in turmoil. Actually maybe it's just me that spends much time alone in turmoil..... what do people want to see? What thoughtless comments are people going to make about my abstracted poppies/trees etc. tbc

Red Hot, Can I Be?

2009-11-03T20:01:00.000-08:00

Kelowna Dragon boat festival 2009, the Red Hot Chili Paddlers came in first in their race. It was so exciting to watch the boat pull forward just when it counted. I was wishing I was part of the team, on the boat, paddling my guts out but, wondering was it better that I was cheering? I'm using my Keenfit walking poles to get the old bod back in shape and on Thursday I started Weight Watchers! I signed up for 16 weeks and 42 lbs.
16 weeks from September 17-January 7
My goal is 150lbs (while I'm divulging my mental illness I might as well give out my weight). size 10. and most of all to be a Red Hot Chili Paddler.
I feel hopeful and positive that Things are going to be even more amazing than they already are.

2009-09-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

twitter, two blogs, a website, Facebook, Linked in, not to mention three different manual calenders, it's a lot to keep track of for someone with faulty wiring. It might be hard for someone with fully functioning wiring as well. Time management has always eluded me and in my attempt to keep the fraying edges of life together I have used every daytimer ever published, often all at the same time. Well, if one works three must work even better. Did you ever stop and think how mathmatical a calender is? It doesn't matter how pretty the pictures are or inspiring the prose, when you break it down it's still a grid with NUMBERS on it!!! for me; hieroglyphs .

Recently I discovered something called dys·cal·cu·li·a.
"(dĭs'kāl-kyōō'lē-ə) n. Impairment of the ability to solve mathematical problems, usually resulting from brain dysfunction." or, Dyslexia with numbers.

The more I read about this disorder the more my heart raced and realized that this is what has been plaguing me for the better part of 38 years. One of the ways it is affecting me in my adult life is in the area of time management. I have chosen jobs, hobbies and pastimes that are as unmathematical as possible. I believe that numbers are the universal language so avoiding math has caused me pathilogical angst and severe health issues.
I bake and cook, which I can honestly say I am very good at. Problem: math.
Early on, around age 11, I started memorizing recipes and learning intuitively, kitchen chemistry. I figured out ratios of butter, sugar flour and leavening agent needed for cookies, I could change the flavour by adding different spices or substituting cocoa for some of the flour to make chocolate. I memorized my great granny's pastry and brownie recipes. you can put ANYTHING in a homemade pie crust and it tastes fabulous!! or load up a hot brownie with chocolate chip mint icecream and people think you are a genius. Genius? Well, it explains a lot. Maybe people did think I was a genius because I got very good at covering over my mental challenges. The only problem is the stress got to me and I couldn't always keep up the facade. Next, I faced anger. I was fired from two jobs, I screwed up doing things that I had become proficient at, letting others down. My marriage has been a rollercoaster in large part from me trying to be something I'm not. Anything that is remotely driven by numbers takes massive quantities of Physical, emotional and probably spiritual energy.... and then I burn out. Hit the skids. Migraines, insomnia, muscle pain, digestive upset, dizziness..... It's a new experience around every corner, the gift that keeps on giving.

Ironies abound though; In one job working at a cosmetics counter I memorized every price for every teeny tiny product. Another job, I was the invertory girl for a weekly count, those days the headaches caused nausea they were so bad.
Life is a journey not a destination and part of my journey is to shamelessly find other people to help me with the stuff that I suck at.

Art shows

2009-04-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

www.awoodsidedesign.com
www.thepearworkshop.com
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6074998

A. Woodside design is hosting The Okanagan Erotic art show coming up for the month of June
same place, Woodside, is my August solo show

Visit "The Gallery" in Peachland, just past the Princeton Ave. traffic light.
Open for the summer 10-4 throught the summer

crazy

2009-04-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

I'm in a full-on manic episode. very surreal. Today I baked cookies at three
in the morning...no recipe just throwing things in... they were very good.
I made two puppets for my son's homework. made a casserole and then
realized no one would be home to eat it. Made birthday invitations for a sleepover party next week, laundry..... all the while shaking, twitching and other interesting bodily functions including at one point
spontaneously peeing my pants.
Wow, and creativity out the the ying-yang!!!! ten paintings on the go, the dining room
table is covered in various projects etc. also, many digital projects
mid-way. I could go on but you get the picture.
My son has fifth disease and is covered in rashes, he got the
boot at school yesterday morning and will be home tomorrow too.
Dave is in San Fran.
My doctor just phoned and wants me in the hospital....I refused that
hellish prison so I'm going to see if I can stay at my mom's and get help
with my meds The doctor wants me to take hi doses of sedating mood
stabilizers to try and dial me down for 48 hours and see if this works.
Next, how to ask for help? Not sure what I need help with or how to ask but with DAve away I am probably dangerous on my own.... unable to drive etc.
Baking at three in the morning is probably a bad idea too!
Anyway checking out of reality temporarily.

wishing I was her

2008-09-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

This week I discovered Alison Watt. Now I am hopelessly wishing I was her. She is an artist. an author/writer. A traveler. All the things I would like to be.

I have had an earache, headache and general yucky feeling for five days. Today I didn't even have enough energy to blow-dry my hair. How am I going to cope with China? Strength is also something I see in others like Alison and wish I could have some.

2008-09-23T23:12:00.000-07:00

Summer was a big bang. Dragon-boats full of double-entendres and pushing myself passed what I believed possible. Admittedly, I'm spent and hungry and longing for moonstone and Indigo on Khadi. Daily crossings with the aforementioned imminent danger cause a great deal of panic and force me into seclusion with pharmaceuticals: my closest friend. I can't stand the world sometimes; judging is a jail. Watch the quail.
Every morning they flutter down from their condos (a huge blue spruce in my Mum and Dad's front yard) and faithfully chirp and squeak down the row of apples behind my house. They leave home so early and I have no idea where they head, but, just as the sun turns pink and the mountains inky they follow their path back to the condo tree. Some of them are proud and round and leaders. They delegate and have the smaller set well intimidated and running in circles.
Is my time hear coming to a close? I hope not because I haven't finished with the quail and the condo tree and the pink-chartruese Ambrosia clusters out my kitchen window.

We're waiting.

2008-07-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

We're waiting.

We expected an offer on the farm yesterday, nothing so far. Despite my controlling nature we tend to face uncertainty. "the next moment is the most unstable thing" says Eckhart Tolle. www.eckharttolle.com .

I am now visualizing a "cute", 4 bedroom 3 bathroom mortgage with a studio in the back yard with parking for all the art collectors coming to see. It' OK to be idealistic, isn't it?

For now, I'm waiting while attempting to be in the current moment. Dipping my toe in the pool of the pending, unstable future moment, however.

Bad things I do

2008-06-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

i have this feeling of immanent danger or immanent "i'm forgetting to do something important and someone's going to be mad at me". One of my voices says,"who cares if someone's mad at you" and then another, "dude, can you do that, not care that someone's mad at you?".

I do a lot of of really bad things. For example; on Tuesday night I ate a huge bag of cranberry trail mix at 11:55 pm. I watch Martha Stewart at 11:05am in my jammies. So many bad things. Some of the fruit and vegetables go bad in the fridge because we ate frozen pizza instead of stir-fry. Oh, the guilt and remorse provide many hours of entertainment for the judge.

June 18 2008

2008-06-18T11:55:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about writing a web diary for some time but hesitate to perpetuate the rampant narcissism of our cyber-world. That's me always a rebel and opposer:

ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French opposer, from Latin opponere (see opponent ), but influenced by Latin oppositus ‘set or placed against’ and Old French poser ‘to place.’

I'm getting ready to hang a show of my most recent paintings. I worked hard to be one of those event planners who was organized and prepared, blah, blah, blah. Instead I'm making my best work since a long time...at the last minute. I mixed a big pot of dark purple last week and obliterated 4 canvases that were part of that yucky "organizing for the show group". They have turned into something that I look forward to observing with other observers.
Today is for observing the critical self aka. witch/bitch that always tells me to stop being sooooo _______ creative, spontaneous, forgetful, in-the-moment. Apparently, according to Eckhart, one can step alongside the bitch and watch her make a bloody fool of herself, laugh and then carry on Being. By the way, if you read my shit you will notice that I am not, nor will I ever be, correcting grammatical errors or using politically correct -ease (tongue out, blowing raspberry) Ok, so, even I am detecting an angry teenager tone but it's only my first day writing down this boiling cauldron of burnt.