the pear workshop

new logo

2012-02-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm designing a new logo (above) and defining a new era for my work.

this one, my website, is going to go on my car.

I am learning how to be a licensing artist! it feels huge and daunting and ever so wonderful. How do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time. It's absolutely my nature to try to eat the whole elephant in one bite and boy do I get sick. I believe in doing things even when you have no idea how, in fact I thrive on it. I'm in one of those phases where I'm tripping over myself with ideas and aspirations. Right now I'm redefining my artistic identity, teaching journaling workshops, studying pattern design, painting drawing doodling, running a household by myself, planning a demo for Opus Framing and Art Supply (so exciting) the list goes on...... and on......

a few of my surface pattern designs

2012-02-09T08:55:00.000-08:00

I'm loving Rachael Taylor's Business of surface Pattern design

Daydreams stationary mockup

green leaves oven mitt mockup

Ambrosia orchard pattern mockup

Drive, Drive, Drive and pattern making bliss

2012-01-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

I did cry as I drove away from my little bug but it's been 2 weeks now with #momcar Ford Freestyle and so far so good. 17 year old Chloe was so happy to get behind the wheel right away and DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE. It's a very solid, front wheel drive, full size crossover and our weather has been oh so wintery. There are fender benders and accidents all over the place but our big wagon just cruises on by. Grocery shopping and fetching giant water-cooler bottles has been a breeze.
I'm redesigning my logo and hope to have it printed and pasted on the back window of my new ride all ready for spring. Speaking of redesigning..... I'm thrilled to be starting module 2 of the art and business of pattern design
put on by these two amazing creative entrepreneurs:
http://dowhatyouloveforlife.com/ http://rachaeltaylordesigns.blogspot.com/

I feel so fortunate to be soaking up loads of creative energy from all my new 'friends' on Flickr and Pinterest who are taking the course. This new world of studying through social media is incredibly inspiring. 5 short years ago I was in a severe life threatening depression. After stumbling across SuziBlu on Youtube and connecting with Kelly Rae Roberts on Facebook I haven't looked back. I took 3 of Suzi's workshops and then 'Flying Lessons' from Kelly Rae. My experiences with on-line studies has not only taught me artistic things it has literally and dramatically saved my life. With the help of Medical care, connecting with a wonderful community in social media and ART I am a happy and functioning mom and full-time artist.
Monday launches Module 2 in The Art and Biz of Pattern design. I have, again, found the most amazing online supportive community and I am learning in warp speed!!! It's so exciting! I have big goals right now that I'll be sharing as I go. here are a few of my new creations

my hand drawn paisley pattern on repeat with color. Hopefully destined for fabric, paper, etc.

detail of my hand drawn doodle paisley pattern

layered bursts pattern

simple doodle lines over firey red

tangerine tango is the pantone color of the year! I honored it by adding some springy doodle flowers and made it a repeat

travels through the bizarre world of car sales

2012-01-15T11:04:00.000-08:00

I've been driving my mid-life crisis car for a few years, a VW beetle that I bought from a wonderful friend- easy peasy. It's not fancy but it's mine and I love it..... it has heated seats and when I get in on a frigid day it wraps me up in a big warm hug. I spend, what feels like half my life in that little buddy. Driving to drum lessons, youth group, school, pizza hut (Mitch's job) and Jugo Juice (Chloe's job) etc. This last year the bug has been our only vehicle and it is not so convenient for this life of hauling kids, groceries, large canvases and a myriad of other jobs we've stretched into it. It's just not working so I'm going back to a mom mobile of some sort. Yesterday I hit the bizarre car dealership circuit. A study in culture I would have preferred not to have.

First was Kelowna Hyundai where a nice older gentleman showed me couple of minivans. He brought his manager over to meet me and I almost lost my breakfast, the guy had the most disgusting, contagious eye infection. He should have been sitting in the emergency room with an IV drip of brood spectrum antibiotics, instead he was micro managing his employees and shaking hands with customers! (yes, I shook his hand and I'm having post traumatic stress right now)

Next, I moved on to Orchard Ford where Mike has been trying to find me the right car, I felt confident that I could get a reliable car there but nothing fit my very meager (artists) budget. Thanks for trying Mike. He showed me a loaded Ford Freestyle, I loved it but way out of my price range. I dreamed, for a moment that I was financially flush and could have any car I wanted. (mental note to look for Freestyles in a lower price point)

Then, I entered a den of tenebrous confusion and at the Dodge place, Kelowna Chrysler .... I very clearly asked for a used minivan under $8000. After being dragged around the showroom to meet 4 different managers, fill out strange questionnaires and generally feel manipulated they brought out a $13,000 PT cruiser. Seriously? Talk about misogyny and abuse of someone's time. an hour and a half later I dashed out while the used car salesman tried to drag me back in to see yet another manager. In all that time I DID NOT get shown any vehicles!

At that point the snow started to fly and the wind howl and my heated seats were the only saving grace. I pressed on to the other Ford Dealer and met Calvin, a very respectful experienced salesman who heard exactly what I was after and quickly got keys for me to drive the 3 minivans he had on the lot. There was a Pontiac Montana, a loaded but older Windstar (what a boat) and a Dodge Caravan. After driving those bad boys I was cold-to-the-bone and just wanted to sit in a hot bath. I couldn't think straight enough to decide which one made sense.

Me and the bug had one more very important task, Pick up Chloe from work and deliver her to a friends house. Then, I came home to a quiet house and had my scalding hot bath and put on about 10 layers to stay warm. Still no car but maybe I'm getting closer.

I drove away from the day feeling so grateful for my dear little silver bubble that faithfully transports me warmly wherever I need to go. I'll be sad to say goodbye.

The Cold and the new year

2012-01-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

• 2011, the year my 22 year relationship ceased in it's known state and became another, yet to be defined sort of union.
• 2012, the year that I learn to stand on my own.

I was afraid to turn off the T.V. last night, afraid to slip out from under the sheets to change into my Pajamas.... it all felt insurmountable. I'm alone. I watched Cold Play ring in the new year and just fell asleep in my clothes. Somewhere in the wee hours the blaring voice of a televangelist woke me up and I clicked the off button and sunk into an uncomfortable dream.
There's a type of coldness that can't be remedied with flame. It's dark and slow and breathless, it settles in deep for awhile. You can't wail it away. One day, early in the summer you look behind and realize that it's lifted and slinked off waiting for another season. Until that unplanned day you feel as though it's yours forever.... The Cold.

• 2011, the year I made a decision to be a real artist. The kind that makes money unapologetically, anyway she damn well pleases. The year I made the choice to be interdependent rather than dependent or independent. I met amazing people that accepted and validated me. I spent wonderful days growing and loving my beautiful children.

• 2012, The year I begin a new life being a real artist, being OK, being me.

2011-12-05T09:32:00.001-08:00

I've been working on a commission for a Christmas present this month. It's a mixed media painting of a grandmother who passed away in the spring.

2011-12-03T10:05:00.001-08:00

Somewhere along the way I started hating Christmas. Yes, hating. Ironically it might have been when I had my own kids. Christmas isn't designed for mothers, at least not 'highly sensitive to over stimulation' mothers. The version of this celebration that has been designed by Coke is, in my opinion, ugly and void of generosity. We have been fed an ideal that running around spending loads of money and hanging lights and gorging on carbs is generosity but I have to say, IT IS NOT.
I'm in a new place, on a new path, just past the fork in the road of life. A few years ago I was standing at the decision, the fork just ahead. I knew I was an unorthodox living in the wrong skin and trying desperately to be something I was not. What a fateful day to choose this lovely, serene way. To be recovering from so many wayward choices and to have life unfolding so mercifully and gracefully with out any effort at all. And yet, here we are back at this time of the orbit and the solstice where commercialism abounds in all it's fat horrible excessiveness. What to do?
I'm going to enjoy the one art show I've chosen to participate in. I'm going to buy my children a few nice presents that they've asked for. I'm going to bring steamed vegetables and a salad to Christmas dinner and I'm going to spend as much time in deep reflection of my souls purpose and where I fit into this space and time while I'm here.

I truly believe that we are celebrating a winter solstice, gratitude for the plenitude that mother Earth provides....... simplicity, perfection, lightness. air, water, fire, nourishment. Just that, only those, exactly what I need. Praise.

Creative Journal workshop | Opus Framing & Art Supplies

2011-11-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

Creative Journal workshop | Opus Framing & Art Supplies

2011-10-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

I find myself wishing to be all 'Ground Hog Day' for last weekend (the movie not February 2nd). I took part in a summit that was focused on Art, faith and justice. About 40 creatives were invited to spend Friday night and all day Saturday at the most magical location, Bo.ttega, it was put on by Tribehouse collective. I'm short on words for describing the experience, it's something that I'm feeling in my cells.... the absolute goodness of being surrounded by people who heard the creative call and are living it in every way. The incredible, live music swirled around that big open room and rained back down, connecting us with each other. It was/is collaboration in it's purest form..... to just sit in communion and be fully present. Maybe that's the art? Not a piece of work in it's finished form but the ever flowing, growing, shifting creative story being told when we sit together and really listen.
I listened with all of myself.
What does it mean to be part of a community when you've been solitarily struggling through life. I'm not good at connecting and collaborating, it usually gives me a migraine. Somehow things are different now and my yellow brick road is on a trajectory toward Loving and experiencing people. I have real friends, a team and I realize when I look back on the last couple of years that I'm not alone anymore. If you're a healthy soul this may sound like small potatoes but if you're like me; hyper-sensitive to the pulse of the Earth you may understand. I have lived my life trying so hard not to need anything from anyone but, in the words of Margaret Fuller, "Two persons love in one another the future good, which they aid one another to unfold."

2011-10-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'm watching a documentary on The Knowledge Network about a choir of seniors singing classic rock songs such as schizophrenia, Forever Young and one by the Doors. They travel to many countries, they practice and they form bonds with each other. In one scene they are performing at a prison for a bunch of tough looking, male inmates. The performance is dignified even though the performers are wearing bright blue ball caps in a somewhat undignified location. It's so moving to watch the looks on the viewers faces, how they respond to the different songs, fast or slow, smiles and tears. they grin happily at the end of the show and say, "that's the best show I've ever seen". It's a beautiful thing to see this group Love each other through death, aging, illness and the fun they're having.
"You don't get out of this life alive", Is what one fellow says. He has oxygen tubes in his nose. The next scene is him strutting a music video as lead singer on 'Stayin Alive' (still with the oxygen). The scene after that another member of the group drops dead of cancer.

So often I ask that adolescent question that goes something like this, "why?" But then I have a day like today where things just make sense. I taught my first class at The Kelowna Art Gallery which feels something of a milestone. I had a yummy espresso at GioBean (a must if you like really good italian style java.) And, best of all I did all those fun things with my Mom.

2011-10-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

A terrifying scenario: I'm shaking today so that when I draw, the lines are squiggly. When I stand up the room spins a bit, just until I adjust to the upright position. When I'm with other people I try to control the shaking and the shaking gets worse. I wonder what it must look like that I tightly cross my arms and attempt to hold my head from looking like Parkinson's. This is what it is to have Bi-Polar II. To be mostly out of control of your faculties. To wonder if you can hold a pen or paintbrush, to sense that your bladder might give way at a completely inopportune moment or to know that everyday you will make poor decisions that circularly lead back to shaking. The hardest part is looking backwards and seeing the clear and steady path toward mania and realize you were the last one to see it. And to be overtaken by an evil and wicked force that makes the world feel hostile, hellish. When you begin to screw up and lose control you wonder if you will have a friend or a mainstay ever again. It's so easy to forget that you've been here before and you got through it..... it's a tunnel shaped like a funnel and as you methodically stride in the direction of the narrow end it's impossible to see the goodness of creation. I suppose this is where the 'Bi' in it lives, that the up becomes the down. You can't really have one without the other you can only hope that with experience it isn't as black as the last time...... the 'jaws of the black dogs' will release a bit easier than the last time. To choose Love over Fear is what I wish for today, only that. When the fear is Goliath and behemoth and the Love is a tiny speck, I have to rely on the word of those around me and have blind faith that these thoughts are lies.

I'm choosing transparency and full disclosure, this time, so that the others.... my partners in mental illness can feel camaraderie. I know, we frighten you in our unpredictability, intensity, electricity. But, I can tell you that for the first time in 45 years I understand that I belong and I deserve to hold a space regardless of my craziness. Go ahead, be threatened but know that I am here to mirror something in you; your own craziness maybe or creativity, instability or need for compassion. I am here to feel deeply the details of the pulse of the Earth and then to bring them back up as art for you to see. It's my job and the penalty is that sometimes the layers of overwhelm overtake, my brain is a soup of swirling ideas and my body is not my own to navigate this place.

I do wish for someone who won't be afraid of me and who can see that these times are when the genius resides and bubbles over. Someone who will see, for me, when I can't, that I can blow the top of sanity for a short while in order to make something bigger than us all. For us all. Maybe, disillusions of grandeur or maybe a moment in time that is meant to be.
If I had the flu or cancer or a broken leg you'd bring me chicken but I don't. I have faulty wiring in my brain and therefore, I'm alone. My disease isn't recognized as a disability because sometimes I function very well (better than average) but then there are times like this when the tiniest of tasks is impossible. I haven't been able to hold a real job for over 20 years, I'm an artist, which has forced me into dependance. I'm OK really, just can't hold all this in anymore and so I blog.
All I need is that you take this in just a little and hug someone you love a little longer. It will ripple out.

2011-09-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

I had such a great time talking with the gang at Katalyst from Tribehouse last Monday night. Bursting with gratitude!

2011-09-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

sent to me by KendraArt and Borrowed from Bob Proctor!

It's Not Easy
Let's be honest. Ethics is not for wimps.
It's not easy being a good person.
It's not easy to be honest when it might be costly, to play fair when others cheat, or to keep
inconvenient promises.
It's not easy to stand up for our beliefs and still respect differing viewpoints.
It's not easy to control powerful impulses, to be accountable for our attitudes and actions, to tackle unpleasant tasks, or to sacrifice the now for later.
It's not easy to bear criticism and learn from it without getting angry, to take advice, or to admit error.
It's not easy to feel genuine remorse and apologize sincerely, or to accept apologies graciously and truly forgive.
It's not easy to stop feeling like a victim, to resist cynicism, or to make the best of every situation.
It's not easy to be consistently kind, to think of others first, to judge generously, or to give the benefit of the doubt.
It's not easy to be grateful or to give without concern for reward or gratitude.
It's not easy to fail and still keep trying, to learn from failure, to risk failing again, to start over, to lose with grace, or to be glad of another's success.
It's not easy to look at ourselves honestly and be accountable, to avoid excuses and rationalizations, or to resist temptations.
No, being a person of character isn't easy. That's why it's such a lofty goal and an admirable achievement.

OK, so if you've been following my drama the last couple of days you know I've been a big baby having a tantrum over getting scammed on my scooter purchase. I'm still not completely over being mad at myself and the seller but I am embarrassed at the way I've been dealing with it. It was a cool debate on facebook, I always love those status updates that bring on the debate! I think the only other big one I posted was about a black widow on my doorstep. Apparently, I'm all about drama and complicating my life...... a natural victim of sorts. A close mentor says, "go to small claims court". Not because I'll win but because I need to get over being a victim. I'm still getting an almost 50/50 on this one but totally open to opinions. The thing is, I wonder if I would just get myself all worked up..... keep it alive..... stay angry. What an anti-climax if I lost the case. My bike looks hot and it runs fine so far I just paid about $700 too much for it. My ego is bruised thinking about the nice helmet I could have instead of getting hosed.
On another note, this week I had one of the most exciting moments of my artistic career. I was invited to speak at a cool arts group called Katalyst through Tribehouse. These guys are the ultimate in peers and it was such a validating, rewarding experience to be in creative convo with them! I'm going to a summit in October as well which I'm over the moon about.

2011-09-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning." Catherine Aird

That's me, a horrible warning.

I have blogged this quote before but it just happens to be appropriate again. Sometimes I'm a real idiot and the only way I can justify it is if others learn from my mistakes. Fodder for the perpetual self flagellation is never far away. Yesterday I wrote about my new Piaggio Fly and how I was so fly and not beating my head against the closed window like a fly. Today is entirely another story and the Latin term for 'buyer beware' /ˌkæviːɑːt ˈɛmptɔr/) keeps rolling around in my head. I am going to humble myself down to the level I'm feeling in my heart right now and tell you my sordid story.
It started out with me doing research, test driving and learning about scooters. For some reason when it came to choosing a bike and handing over my money all my maturity went right out with the garbage. I way overpaid in CASH to a girl named Laura-Sophie Brooks Hurley for a bike that she didn't tell me had been in a bad spill. Today when I took it for a service the kind people at KGB Motorsports pointed out all the flaws and with each my heart broke a little. All the symptoms of an emotional aneurism came over me and I thought I was going to pass out and throw up. I'm a starving artist and a newly single mother that really shouldn't make stupid financial mistakes or indulge in any fun at all. I'm not sure why I forget so easily and go off in search of more fun and, quite frankly, danger! Why? They say mistakes are valuable because that's how we learn. but what about if we don't..... learn, that is? What then? I'm pissed off at the dishonesty of the person who sold it to me, I'm very pissed off at myself. As much as I could hope that things would turn in my favor and I would be able to go back, I can't.

What I have to do now is forgive. Forgive myself, forgive Laura. I just have such a trusting soul and today I feel fear of a hostile world full of scammers and meanies.
Maybe my husband was right, "I can't survive by myself"

A dear friend pointed out to me this morning about the rides at the fair. It's the ones that go off in all directions and jerk us around that we seek out. The nice little calm rides are.... boring..... I usually go on the boring ones and once and awhile I shut off the wise voice and I jump on one of the crazy rides and wrestle around a bit.

2011-09-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

I bought a little Piaggio Fly scooter. It is adorable and I love riding around with my hot hot helmet on! I can park anywhere and the gas is about $3 per week. I'm so free.... not just on my scooter but in my life. The dissolve of my 22 year relationship in February has been devastating and lonely but on the other hand, I'm free to be me. This is good, right?
Have you ever heard the story of the fly who buzzes incessantly into a window when just a few feet over there is an open door? The poor creature wants so badly to be free of the clear glass boundary. He can see the great big outside world yet try as he might he can't get out there. If he could relax and stand back just a bit he could quietly jet out that door and have all the joyous freedoms of the world. Do you ever feel like that fly? I do. I have. For so many years I have slammed into that glass pane seeing what was out there and not being able to fly out. Lately, I feel the ease that comes only from faith in something, anything bigger than yourself. I have stood back ever so slightly from the blocks, just enough to see how wide open the world is if I wait for the space reserved for me. Oh sure, I doubt all the time and start flying into the window headfirst... slam, slam slam. Less and less, lighter and lighter if I choose Love and freedom over fear and control.

I promise you the same little flame.

The Year of the Fire Starter

2011-08-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

August 7th:
Creative Fire Starter is my moniker for this, my 46th year. (I am a Leo and my Chinese zodiac is a fire horse) I'm spreading my fire for art and hope to be an arson for other peoples art too.

I'm celebrating my 45th birthday this year......? It's funny how I've shifted into old by the look on people's faces. When I announce, "cripes, I'm turning 45 on Wednesday" they say wow, "you don't don't look it or just a simple eyebrow raise paired with "MMMM". Last year when I would say "I'm turning 44" I would get, "oh, you're still a spring chicken or something to express I had a long way to go yet.... and I would feel pacified for a moment. Nope, not this year. I've officially moved into mature with an emphasis on the 'T' (the way my sister says it).

I haven't had a party for a long time so I decided to do it up artist style this year. A musician I've recently met, Brent Tyler, and absolutely love his work has agreed to join me and play at my studio.

FORGIVENESS (sailboats)

August 14th:
Andy Warhols mother is said to have told him, "don't be pushy but let everyone know you're around".
Last night I audaciously faced a 5 foot by 4 foot canvas stapled to my studio wall while surrounded by friends family and art appreciators. In the opposite corner of my studio was (pinch me) Brent Tyler and his percussion collaborator Andrew Ball. When they did their sound check at 6:30 I started to cry.... very moving experience that. It was a dream come true to be surrounded by people I love, an incredibly talented musical ensemble, and to paint...... did I deserve it? Was I pushy? Why are these the questions I'm asking myself today?
I'm happy with the painting I made last night and I'm incredibly honored and humbled that two such hi-caliber musicians played with me. I'll leave it at that and if I was pushy, audacious, disproportionately confident The universe will right me. My hope is that I will be blessed with another such opportunity again soon. I ache to add stage painter to my resume.

ache.

2011-07-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

Is it time already?
to go
stay awhile longer so I can breath
you in just enough.
a scent of living and presence
of knowing
It's about goodbye, so long

Oh time, I cling to your windy ribbons tearing at my fingers

Is it too much to ask for happiness
simple happiness
must things always change
and why must my heart want them to stay the same Oh,
the same. Except the days when I want them
to change
I'm a fickle creature.

2011-06-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

Holy moly! I can't even believe how much I love Mary Oliver!!!
This one makes me weep and dance all at the same time.
We just have to create.... just go for it. We are all creating the world we live in even if you think you're not creative, shift your mind-you are creating right now, sitting in your chair-you are oh divine one, you are!

"for how many years have you gone through the house
shutting the windows,
while the rain was still five miles away

and veering, o plum-colored clouds, to the north
away from you

and you did not even know enough
to be sorry,

you were glad
those silver sheets, with the occasional golden staple,

were sweeping on, elsewhere,
violent and electric and uncontrollable--

and will you find yourself finally wanting to forget
all enclosures, including

the enclosure of yourself, o lonely leaf, and will you
dash finally, frantically,

to the windows and haul them open and lean out
to the dark, silvered sky, to everything

that is beyond capture, shouting
i'm here, i'm here! now, now, now, now, now."
— Mary Oliver

2011-06-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so curious if anyone did it? Did you have an Olympic training day? Did you feel great at the end of it? I did and I did!!!! Yesterday I made great strides on the painting that I'm working on for Leon Avenue. It's metal and 2'x4' and I have to use exterior house paint which is so unforgiving! A real challenge but with each change I realize again that the paintings just come through me. I'm a mere conduit, a channel. If I just show up with a brush it just happens and it's so much better if my crazy mind gets out of the way.
Leave me a comment to tell about your Olympic day. I would love to hear about the tiny little things you did a bit differently and the miracles that ensued

Be Well. Not for yourself but for those who need you.

2011-06-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

The greatest gift one can give the world is to be well.
I'm in training. You know, like an olympic athlete?
My games are being an artist, a mother, a friend and an embracer of life. I really want to be excellent at that list........ perfectionist? Maybe.
I have become closer to ultimate wellness than I ever believed possible and I have had my eyes opened to magic. My wish for my wellness is to be a balanced tri.: spiritual, mental and physical.
I know it involves the hardest decisions, above all. The athlete has to decide not to eat certain foods and to have supportive relationships. I too am working on decisions. Lately, most of mine aren't great. Some of them are, though, and they certainly are better than they used to be.
I guess I would like to be good at truth, clarity and brutal balance. I still err on the side of permitting the unacceptable because I am a harbinger of Love. Sometimes wanting to spread Love can mean letting my guard down and not prioritizing, kind of like a silly flower child. Spreading flower petals is romantic and fun in the moment but it can lead you down a path, off course. Somehow, my vision of balance is spreading petals, in the moment, while prioritizing for extreme personal best.

I love having a thin healthy body and a clean mind but most of all it's my big ass wings that I love. They are attached to an even bigger ass glowing soul that needs to make art!

I am aware that complacency can creep in and in the blink of an eye I'm off the training schedule..... slipping away from my Olympic dream. Today I'm going to get it back.
Join me in being the very best you can be, just for today...... make good decisions- do it for someone you love.

no mistakes.

2011-06-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

I truly believe in timing and no mistakes. Lately, I am mindful and watchful of every moment of every day. I am a toddler playing hide and seek with God and our rooms are the universe, peeking around dark corners and vibrating with anticipation when I get so close to him I can hear his breath. I find him everyday, sometimes with a great big BOO surprise and I jump and giggle nervously at the magnitude of my discovery.

So when I watched a series of six youtube videos of an interview with Dr. John DeMartini I had an eyeopening, an awakening into the next phase for me. (click on the name to see the vids) Dr. Demartini says, "where isn't God", meaning why do we think that God is not in money? He talks about building wealth in terms of finding something that is of service to others. It hit me hard that wealth is about being of service to other people and then being of service to some more so that you can hire so they can be of service. Working at my gift of making art is effortless and so it is with all the things I've learned about staying true to myself and now being of service to the world I am veering gently to a new direction.

It scares me to write this down, especially publicly, but My life seems to be defined by the risks I'm taking. I have always felt undeserving of earning a living and therefore, depended on my dad and my husband to support me. I abdicated all my rights, I was alive because someone else was supporting me.... they had VALUE, I had none. One of the last things my husband said to me as he was walking out the door was, "you won't survive without someone like me". I plan to prove myself wrong, yes..... myself. See I believed him and I believed my dad and I believed my own assessment, that I couldn't survive without being a nothing and depending on another. I have a new belief, I'm not sure what it looks like yet, that I can be of service and I can be compensated for it enough to live well and raise my wonderful babies. I believe that I'm worthy of autonomy and that, when it's time, I can be interdependent in a warm, loving, healthy way.

thought for the day:

What is art to me? Art is a story. it's a story of and by the maker and it's a story of and by the viewer and the interaction between creation and enjoyment. I really hate it when people say, "I know what I like", art is not about liking something. I consider it a fail when I make something that get's a neutral response. I believe that art is to be loved or hated and each is as important as the other. Real art evokes emotion that stirs some sort of connection. I get to experience a complete, urgent and in the moment emotion when I create the art. I wish only, that I will make one thing in my lifetime that tells my story deeply, spiritually to one person on the planet.

Re-creation

2011-06-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

Years ago I harboured a belief that there is room for all of us. I said over and over to competitive artists, "there is room for everyone". Love never ends....

I had another one of those miracle weeks..... they are becoming the norm and not exception.
There's a re-creation of community going on and I'm amazed to somehow, miraculously be a part of it. It's a gentle rumbling of creatives; musicians, painters, dancers, poets and the spiritual minded. It's inclusive, generous and egalitarian most of all it's kindness and Love. I like to always spell Love with a capital 'L'. Love is not being afraid no matter how steep your mountain is. Love is never about worrying what others are doing and always about you. If we take care, absolutely, of ourselves the Love ripples out and is pure and wonderful and indirectly becomes about everyone else.

On Thursday night I sat in on an evening of art where Jessica Balfour, Nikki Balfour and James Balfour talked about their respective art forms. I took away the message that we all have a gift that comes easy to us, that when we are truly living our authenticity we won't know it because our cells will align with our calling and it will be as easy as breathing. We have been trained that things worth doing are hard and forced that when we are suffering we are living truth. I don't think so. I'm not sure how I'm going to see this through but I hope to explore it in my blog and videos.
Then, on Saturday night I had the privelidge of displaying some of my art at the dynamic 'Touch Collective' event. Wow, what a night! Music, poetry, dance, live painting, a killer D.J. and after the show I danced with a whole bunch of great peeps. So fun and inspiring.

Collaborative energy is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced. I plan to slide and flow into it and take my hands off the wheel.

thought for the day:
For so long I've been living in hiding~invisible~ now I say, "world I'm here. Notice me, Love me hate me watch me shine. I shrouded in all kinds of complicated layers and was wildly successful at becoming nobody but my heart screamed out. My body decided to dance and get up out of it's wheel chair and knock off it's prosthetics. It's a messy Joy I'm in ~ it's a ruckus adolescent party and I'm swinging from the rafters a bit while the world sits back and tisks its tongue and wags it's finger. I'll laugh my crazy wide open laugh. Just for a little while until a new comfort settles in.

Hello Sunshine

2011-05-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

hello sunshine

warmer of my soul

my companion

embracer

Let me be just your particles and nothingness

that when I hold out my fingertips there is warmth and no division

connected to light and everything and nothing

I beg of you not to judge me sol, lover of my soul

Today I was reminded that wherever I am is exactly where I'm meant to be. A simple stop for coffee turned into an afternoon with new friends, great conversation and inspiration. Follow your heart and your feet each day, don't be afraid....... I promise that great things await.

Painting, Friends and Tenderloin

2011-05-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

This week's theme has been about connecting with some of my oldest and dearest friends. Friends that I haven't seen much over the past 20 years. There is Kevin, whom I adore because he is smart, funny, deeply spiritual and completely accepting of my various flaws. We spent hours painting last night. He made me the yummiest steak dinner I've ever had and we watched youtube videos of live painters on his giant TV. I seriously could not have dreamed up such a perfect way to spend a Saturday evening!!! (You may remember last Saturday's post, where I cried in the Walmart). At 6pm Kevin and I waited for the world to end and decided that we'd be happy either way...... painting, a tenderloin steak, great company, I'm good to go wherever it is one goes when the world ends! Here is the painting I made:

It's acrylic on a 10"x14" canvas board. Roxy at Opus set us up with some brand new Pebeo iridescent paint and it is fantastic! The green and blue is all iridescent and reflective. The pink beeded line is made with liquitex pouring medium that I mixed with paint in a squeezy bottle, then I channeled Jackson Pollock for a sec. super fun. I think Being at Kevin's funky apartment with a few different materials unleashed a new direction.....

On Monday I happened upon Warren, a warm, gentle and steady soul who has been through the ringer with his health and other things. I had written with intention how much I would like a new easel and 2 days later I pulled my car into a parking spot and about a foot in front of me, on the sidewalk was my dear, childhood friend Warren. The short miraculous version of the story is that Warren builds things and has offered to build me an easel..... I'm so excited!

This week in the studio I'm going to set up the projector I've borrowed from Christina, another artsy diva at Opus. She has graciously loaned me this swanky piece of equipment so I can blow up my drawings onto some bigger surfaces. One of the surfaces is the 2'x4' panel that will be hung on Leon Ave. here in Kelowna. So, lots going on in my creative life and I couldn't be more thrilled! I hope to get back to some video this week too.

"let the soft animal of your body love what it loves", Mary Oliver

2011-05-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

I discovered today that there is still a crater in my heart, I wonder if there is even a heart left that darn crater is so big. I mistaken, at times, the thin pink layer of skin as healed, all healed up and ready to go. Then the wide eyed, pink maned Leo jumps into adventures with both feet so strong and proud...... all head up, all healed up. "I'm fine" I say between sobs from the peeling back of that new fresh skin. There are just so many people eager to get under there and peel it back it seems. So the choice becomes a)trust them and jump in and take a risk or b) hide out, alone. This is where a book about life might come in handy but probably, even knowing what I do now, I will still pick option a. And maybe, just maybe one of the adventures will be the one to help it heal. In the mean time I'll have a healthy dose of scar tissue.

Can someone please mail me the copy of that handbook, you know the one for living and loving and knowing how to be. I seem to have been left off of the mailing list, I'm sure that one of you has a copy I can borrow. It won't take me long to read as I'm an eager student and a quick study, I'll get it back to you just as soon as I have it all figured out.

I hate advice....... it really ticks me off. But, at this particular moment in time I love Lilly Allen's little tune and I'm singing it at the top of my lungs. You know the one? F. U. very very much.

I also love the way Mary Oliver nails it when she asks, "what will you do with your one wild and precious life"?

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."
— Mary Oliver